New General Assembly Bill Would Drop 2.3 Million Gallons Of Febreze On Hopewell

Virginia Del. Riley Ingram, R-Hopewell, introduced a bill today that if signed by the governor would allow the drop of nearly 2.3 million gallons of Febreze onto Hopewell, a factory-laden city located approximately 25 miles southeast of Richmond.

“If you have been to Hopewell you may have noticed that horrible smell lingering in the air, as it has for years, and quite honestly it’s long past time that we do something about it,” said Ingram, holding up a 27-ounce bottle of the odor eliminator made popular in homes and college dormitories. “This here is the exact same harmless, non-toxic product that we want to dump onto Hopewell. The only difference is that’d we’d dump about 11 million bottles onto it.”

The “Febreze Drop,” as Ingram calls it, faces particular pressure in the Senate, where Republicans are calling for the original-scent Febreze to be replaced with a newer scent of the fabric refresher that includes a sparkling effervescent freshness of citrus infused with kiwi. While the citrus Febreze will tack an additional $200,000 onto the $1.2 million tab and last up to four months longer than the original scent, Democrats say they plan to stick to the original Febreze to keep the total price tag under $1.2 million.

If House Bill 683 is approved, the Febreze would be dropped onto Hopewell out of a Basler BT-67 airplane in late July. If the measure fails, the General Assembly has introduced H.B. 684, which gives the state the authority to use bleach instead.

City Begins Process Of Redistricting, Whatever That Means

Richmond officials said today that the nearly yearlong process to of redistricting the city has begun, whatever the hell that means. Probably something political or having to do with schools, if local residents and leaders had to guess.

“As populations shift over time, it’s important to redraw district lines to ensure that everyone has, I don’t know, access to good schools? Live near people of a different race? No idea,” said First District City Councilman Bruce W. Tyler, noting that he hoped redistricting means he’ll live closer to a Five Guys hamburger restaurant. “I hope I get to switch from the first to the eighth district, as eight is my lucky number.”

“High school and college lacrosse number,” he added.

Every 10 years, the nation undergoes a Census to gather statistical information about neighborhoods and population and, like, how many black people and Hispanics there are, and then the city uses that information to redistrict the lines on something. Counties or city lines, maybe? Will the Fan still be the Fan? Hey, does this mean we’re all going have to move? Like if you live in the second district and it’s changed to the third, do you have to move to the new second?

“So do I need to do anything, or is this one of those things that other people will take care of for me?” said Fan Resident Lauren Brown. “As long as redistricting has nothing to do with how my taxes are invested, where I vote, or what types of city services I have access to, then I don’t really care.”

Governor Hoping This The Day He Finds Self Piloting Harrier Jet Above City

After two days of making speeches and introducing transportation plans the General Assembly, Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell told reporters today that he was hoping 2011 would be the year that he suddenly finds himself at the controls of a Harrier jet, defending the city against terrorists from above.

The Harrier, informally referred to as the jump jet, is a military aircraft capable of vertical takeoffs and landings and is frequently featured in action films and daydreams of the state’s 71st governor.

“Signing bills into law and dealing with financial stuff is fine and all, but after a year of being governor I was kind of hoping for a little more action, like real action, by now,” said McDonnell, a former Army medical supply officer who has been chomping at the bit to take a Harrier for a cruise over the state capital, maybe even pop off a few hellfires into some sheep. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to fight to make sure parts of Virginia get to keep a percentage of the discretionary sales tax generated to fund their own road projects, but seriously, if a group of bad guys ever want to attack us, I’m ready.”

McDonnell noted that if a Harrier was unavailable, he would happily substitute it for an M1 Abrams tank or one of those mech things from Alien.

Amid Financial Woes, Can Can Drops Second Can

Faced with increasing costs and declining sales brought on by a down economy, Can Can Brasserie dropped the second Can from its name today, a move that is expected to save the Carytown restaurant approximately $2,000 each year and roughly an inch of type-space on its menus.

“We thought about switching from Can Can to Could Could – you know, so that we wouldn’t be overpromising anything – but realized that it would just be cheaper to paint over the sign and scribble out the menus,” said Chris Ripp, proprietor and executive chef of what is now known as Can Brasserie. “But we’ve got a little more room to move now that we’ve freed up some space, and we are still the same restaurant that Richmonders have come to know for fine food and drinks, exceptional service and a great atmosphere – now just with a little less name in the title.”

The move comes on the heels of other cost-cutting measures at Can, including the removal of the 3120 W. Cary St. restaurant’s windows, roof, and rear legs on each chair.

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