This Will Always Be A Safe Place For Clubbing, Great Music, And Getting Assaulted In A Parking Lot

When I opened the Have a Nice Day Cafe 10 years ago next month, it was the realization of a lifelong dream of mine. Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to build a haven where young people could come and have a safe, fun time with their friends and peers. I’d like to think that I’ve finally realized that life goal, providing a risk-free environment for patrons to hang out, meet new people, and even get beaten within inches of their lives on the sidewalk outside.

That’s the experience we want to offer at Have a Nice Day Cafe.

When you first step into my South 18th St. club, you’re immediately transported into a world of merriment, where guys are free to dry hump invulnerable sluts on the dance floor and all are encouraged to try some of our $2 rail drinks served in safe, recyclable plastic cups. Glass, I’ve discovered, can be broken across a bar and shoved into the neck of some bro who was looking at your girl, and who you could later meet in the parking lot outside after last call, right before emptying a full clip from your SIG Sauer P220 into his lungs.

Plastic, no glass. That’s the peace of mind I’m talking about.

To show you just how protected I strive to keep our patrons, consider, for a moment, the many special events that we hold, all of which are designed to bring a comfortable club-going experience to the people of Richmond.

For instance, last night – Monday – we held our 39th Hot Body Contest, where a baker’s dozen wicked hot barely legal teens dressed in slightly more than their undergarments danced for a crowd largely comprised of males aged 21 to 26 who had nothing on their minds except for getting one of these wasted chicks naked in a dirty, graffiti-covered bathroom stall. Don’t worry though: That’s exactly why we have $1 condom dispensers in all our restrooms.

You see? It’s all about safety here.

Consider, too, the fire extinguishers on each of our three floors. Extinguishers are part of the city’s fire code, and plus, whenever some bro tweaking on meth decides to set aflame any other bro who steps, or looks at them wrong, or simply walks past and smiles and says “Hey man, how’s it goin’?,” then our staff has a – pardon the pun – surefire method of hopefully saving that bro’s life.

I did the math: If you come here, you have a 100 percent chance of having fun and only a 35 percent chance of being jumped by a guy in really baggy jeans and a wife-beater, and just a 22 percent chance of getting arrested for smacking a police horse in its face. Your chances of dying of multiple gunshot wounds in the parking lot adjacent to the building are higher than getting struck by lightening, but not by much.

Those are pretty good numbers, if you ask me.

Parents reading this should also take comfort knowing that their little girl or boy is, for the most part, impervious to harm when they are here. From sticking them in cages or letting them dance atop the bar, we take every precaution necessary to provide a safe environment away from the crowd to every skank who comes in here.

I should also note that the nearest hospital is about a mile and a half away. Even faster if you get there by helicopter.

In conclusion: At Have a Nice Day Cafe, you can rest assured knowing that safety is undoubtedly our No. 1 priority.

Actually, wait: No. 1 is taking sluts home. And 2 is getting wasted with your boys. But safety is a definite No. 3.


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