The GRTC Team RideFinders – seven transportation “heroes” that work to help citizens across the region find ways to commute to and from work – were swiftly and easily defeated by the X-Men yesterday in what city officials are calling “one of the most brutal ass-handings in modern history.”
The diverse group of RideFinders was largely powerless against the X-Men, a group of supermutants known mostly for their hugely powerful offensive and defensive capabilities.
“I know the RideFinders’ superpowers are mostly centered around finding new and creative ways of getting around town, but Jesus, I thought they’d at least put up a little bit of a fight,” said Ryan Klessig, who witnessed the horrific beating of GTRC’s Transit Titan by X-Men’s Beast, who crushed the skull of the bus driver with a single hand.
The X-Men’s Blackbird jet was reported at 10:02 a.m. yesterday, roaring over downtown to the GRTC’s Cary Street headquarters. Once there, Banshee let out a sonic scream that caused all of the RideFinders’ eardrums to explode, disorienting the entire team whose mission has long been to find alternative transportation options for the region.
Transit Titan, who is a really great driver but has never punched anyone or taken a punch himself, was defenseless against the blue-haired, ape-like Beast, whose repeated blows upon the driver could be heard for miles around the city. Bike Boy, who promotes riding bicycles to work, was bleeding from his ears when he fell victim to Colossus’ and Wolverine’s so-called “Fastball Special,” a tag-team move whereby the giant Colossus tossed the biker onto the claws of Wolverine, splitting the young man in two.
Telework Tech, who is good with computers, was also no match for Colossus, who is good at beating the shit out of people.
“From what I saw, Commander Carpool put up the best fight of anyone on the RideFinders side,” said Abigail Clarke, who saw the battle on the way into her nearby office. “I think he managed to get his hands up into the defensive pose before Wolverine gutted him from neck to spleen.”
“It was awesome,” she added.
Female RideFinders were not spared in the X-Men’s brutal attacks, police said.
“We received multiple reports of Shadowcat phasing her hand through Mrs. Match’s chest, removing the still-beating heart of the transportation superhero, who was known for matching people up with carpools to limit pollution and reduce commute times,” said Richmond Police Chief Bryan T. Norwood. “I personally saw Jean Grey do that strange thing she does with her mind on Vanity Vanpool, which was probably the weirdest of the supermutant attacks.”
Norwood said he would likely not press charges against the Marvel team, because seriously, what could the police possibly do? Even if they attempted to charge the X-Men with a crime, Wolverine – or Storm, even – could totally overpower the police or the military. And the X-Men do good things for communities, even though the RideFinder ass-kicking wasn’t really deserved. And plus, if the X-Men went to jail they’d just break out because Cyclops could use his optic blast to blow up a wall, or, like, Iceman could freeze the prison cell bars and then break them and kill all the guards, so seriously what’s the point. Or Thing could crush everyone with his huge strong, actually, hold on, he’s Fantastic Four. Nevermind.
Based on the success of the day’s attacks on the RideFinders, Twentieth Century Fox has already optioned the rights to yet another crappy X-Men film.