FBI Confirms: ‘This Is All Just So Terribly Confusing’
Virginia State Police on Friday arrested Richmond developer Justin French on multiple charges that stem from this whole thing involving him and a bunch of companies and contractors and money and these so-called historic tax credits, as well as a ton of other things having to do with real estate that are just way too complex for most people to fully understand.
The FBI and police are involved, and the guy is in a lot of trouble. That much is clear, officials said.
Beyond that, “we have no earthly idea what is going on,” said FBI spokesman John Deane, who has pored over documents pertaining to the case for nearly three weeks and still can’t comprehend any of it. “Obviously Mr. French has done some things that justify us having arrested him, that’s for sure, but please don’t ask me what those things are because real estate is a super complex topic and it’s really starting to make my head spin.”
According to sources who have no knowledge on the issue nor have any idea what a Ponzi scheme is, French may have been involved in a Ponzi scheme. Which, sources think, is similar to a pyramid scheme, only more complicated because there’s investors and bankers and people like that involved. Perhaps the charges could even have something to do with laundering or kickbacks or insider trading, whatever those things are.
We should also probably include some numbers in this article, just to be safe. So, $24.5 million, $1.8 million, $457,000, and 12.
French’s arrest on Friday at Richmond International Airport comes on the heels of an FBI raid at his Shockoe Slip offices amid questions about his use of historic tax credits to offset the cost of renovating old industrial buildings, along with a series of strategic defaults that would force an insurance underwriting giant to honest to God what in the hell are we even talking about? That was seriously like the world’s biggest run-on sentence ever and who knows if it even made any sense.
According to sources, this is some crazy shit, man.
“I think I saw something like this on one of those USA dramas one time,” said Richmond resident Bill Cole, noting he read somewhere that the French guy went to jail a few years ago for narcotics or guns or something like that. “Maybe this story will end up as a plot line in one of those shows, and they’ll film it in Richmond. Fingers crossed.”
Investigators said they are still combing through evidence against French, adding that they hope the term “lien” never pops up because a.) nobody really knows what that word even means and b.) they’re not even sure it’s spelled correctly.