Single-Handed Shotgun Cockings Decline

Despite how awesome it looks when good guys or bad guys do it in westerns and action movies, single-handed shotgun cockings have witnessed a dramatic drop across the city during the past year, dismayed law enforcement officials reported today.

While cocking a shotgun typically requires two hands to execute, incidents of the single-handed version of the shotgun reload – which totally looks sweeter – fell 43 percent from the same period last year, police said. Officials also said occurrences of “holding guns sideways like gangsters do” fell 22 percent, while “pistol-whipping a dude in the face” fell 14 percent and “shooting machine guns off the hip” dropped 32 percent from this time last year.

“We are thankful that criminals have gone into hiding and that fewer lives are being lost to gun crime,” said Richmond Police spokesman Donald Nagle. “Still, that people aren’t dual-wielding guns, diving for cover behind wooden crates and shooting at the same time, or detaching the magazine and reloading them in mid-air like you’d see in The Matrix or something is rather unfortunate.”

“We’d love to see more Keanu-style cartwheels where the shooters simultaneously grab rifles up off the ground,” he added.

Nagle noted that while “all the cool things besides shooting” that can be done with guns have been on the decline, he has it on good authority that bazooka-related incidents are making a comeback.

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