Mayor Announces City's Multiyear Loyalty To Team Jacob

Richmond Mayor Dwight Jones today announced a complex four-year plan to bestow all of the city’s loyalty upon Team Jacob, saying the muscular but temperamental shape-shifting spirit wolf has proven himself worthy “time and time again” of the area’s allegiance.

“After several meetings with my cabinet, it has become clear to us that during the course of this whole saga, Jacob’s romantic feelings toward Bella are undoubtedly heartfelt,” said Jones, standing on the steps of City Hall and wearing a black shirt with the words “Team Jacob” written in white in the iconic Twilight font. “Therefore, it is this administration’s belief that we dedicate our sole loyalty to Jacob, despite his apparent anger and hatred of vampires, and despite breaking Bella’s hand and pushing himself on her, which, as is apparent, was done in the heat of the moment.”

“I think it’s that dark russet skin that does it for us,” he added, noting it could also be the young man’s eyes.

The four-year deal with Team Jacob includes removal of all Team Edward memorabilia throughout the city’s 62-square-mile radius, along with what is now considered a Class I misdemeanor for any mention of Edward, currently beloved by exactly one-half of the Richmond population. Mentions of Edward, even if area residents are referring to a different Edward, are strictly prohibited.

Jones noted that he would put “any and every” resource toward protecting the city’s Team Jacob loyalty and promoting Team Jacob education in schools, including making sure that all K-12 students know the proper spelling of the word “Quileute.”

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