At VCU, Gollum Touts Importance Of Ring, Finding It

Speaking to a crowd of nearly 2,000 students yesterday at Virginia Commonwealth University, river-folk hobbit Gollum stressed the importance of finding the One Ring and called out the hobbitses who currently possess it, while occasionally appearing to talk to himself.

“He wants the precious,” the gaunt, goblin-like Gollum said, sneering to himself but drawing a thunderous applause from the audience. “So bright…so beautiful…our…our precious.”

The 620-year-old frequently expressed regret over losing the ring in a cave deep below the Misty Mountains nearly 500 years ago. However, the murderous cretin told the assembled crowd that the hobbit “[Bilbo] Baggins stoles it! Baggins is a thief…thief!,” and vowed death upon the adventurer, hired several weeks before as a burglar by the wizard Gandalf.

Also, Gollum noted, pledging to get the Ring back, “Smeagol, he…we wants it back…Smeagol says it can’t, it won’t! Curse them! We hates them! It’s ours it is, and we wants it! We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. Sneaky hobbitses. False.”

After the 30-minute lecture was over, Gollum reportedly asked students where to find the best cave fish in town, also inquiring as to “where all the hotties was at.”

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