Tobacco Avenue's Tips For Attending: Baseball In Richmond

Baseball is back in Richmond! As the Flying Squirrels kick off their inaugural season at the Diamond, here are a few pointers to help make the experience all the more enjoyable for you and your family:

-As the minor league affiliate for the San Francisco Giants, the Richmond Flying Squirrels continue an enduring San Francisco tradition of interminable gay pride.

-In many ways, minor league baseball offers a more fulfilling fan experience than the major leagues, since there’s a solid chance you make more money than most of the players.

-Did you know that flying squirrels don’t actually fly, but glide? More like LYING Squirrels, am I right? Be here all night, folks.

-Baseball becomes even more interesting when you pay attention to the players’ statistics, such as batting average, ERA, and whether he injects steroids into his scrotum.

-Don’t worry about losing your baseball mitt in the stadium. Instead, worry about the fact that you’re 36 and still wearing one to games.

-When a player hits a double and gets to second base, it is absolutely normal to think of your first time touching lady boobs.

-After catching a foul ball, a classy move is to give it to the nearest young child. Who has a hot single mom.

-Once the game is over, enjoy all the fun things to do within walking distance of the Diamond, like hanging out at the Greyhound station, staring blankly at the interstate, or simply curling up and crying for a while.

-Heckling the visiting team is a fun way to show support for the home squad. Throwing D-cell batteries works best.

-Family night at the ballpark is a time-honored American custom, which explains why your grandchild-starved mother-in-law bought you those season tickets. Not so subtle, Barbara.

-Rain delays aren’t necessarily a bad thing. After all, it’s the perfect way to conceal the urine stain you gave yourself after passing out in the 4th inning.

-The Flying Squirrels have taken an active role in implanting themselves into the Richmond community, and also your mom.

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8 thoughts on “Tobacco Avenue's Tips For Attending: Baseball In Richmond

Add yours

  1. The Squirrels have a fan section called the “Nut Shack.” Considering I’ve never heard of a nut shack, I can only assume this was another juvenile attempt to associate male anatomy with Double AA baseball.

    You can’t make this stuff up people.

  2. Having attended my first Squirrels game last night, the best part (no kidding) is the urinal cakes in the Men’s room each appropriately adorned with the logo of one of Richmond’s Eastern League rivals. Also get used to forming heated rivalry’s with teams from towns you’ve never heard of like New Britain, Altoona, Bowie and Binghamton.

  3. What do you mean, towns you never heard of?? Everyone is familiar with Altoona (home of the horseshoe curve) and Binghamton (where you used to have to go to drink if you came not quite of age in the mid 1960s and were from Scranton). Bowie is where the horse races are and New Britain I’m just guessing — Connecticut?? (Is that where Captain Ahab was from?)

  4. Considering the team is sponsoring the Nutshack, and the fact that those people have been behind the team 100% from day 1, I’d give them a break. They’re having fun with the fact that baseball is back in Richmond. Call it juvenile, but I bet they have a better time at any given game than you do. And they’re not hurting anyone, hell the team bought them the banner.

  5. FanGuy, you’re right, you can’t make it up, because we did chump. If you have taken any time whatsoever in your meaningless days of surfing the net to do a little research on us then you would know what the Nutshack Club. So before you toss your worthless judgments at a fan based club, (ironically your name is FanGuy) just keep it in your pants for your late night trips to local chat rooms.
    Let me guess FanGuy, you must be one of those awnry Richmonders who are still upset the Braves left. How you use to go to the games with your Dad since you were 10 and you are just so mad they left Richmond. Get over it clown. They left Richmond, not the other way around.

  6. Inspired comments all around. This only galvanizes Tobacco Avenue’s station as the vanguard of erudition in the Richmond community. Huzzah and excelsior to one and all within the sophisticated bounds of this fair metropolis! Aristotle himself would bow to such an overpowering display of cerebral prowess!

    Fart.

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