Regional officials from the city and surrounding counties yesterday selected Cloverleaf Mall, a defunct and abandoned shopping center on the Southside, as the site that local residents are to take refuge in the likely event of a zombie attack.
The abandoned mall was selected as the safe zone, officials said, because abandoned malls are where people go in zombie movies, duh.
When the assault on the region by the reanimated dead people – who feast on human flesh and, most notably, brains – hopefully starts sometime in the next year, Richmond and nearby counties of Henrico, Chesterfield and Hanover will offer a free shuttle service for residents who do not have transportation to Cloverleaf, which closed in 2003 amid customer losses to the region’s newer, open-air malls.
Local residents are responsible for bringing personal items to the safe zone, such as clothing, food, and wooden stakes and chainsaws and katanas for stabbing zombies in the brain or cutting off their heads, because if zombies succeed in grabbing you, they’ll either eat you alive or turn you into one of their own with a single bite, and then boy oh boy you are completely fucked, because you won’t be able to get into the safety of the mall, and you’ll just have to face your inevitable future as a disgusting walking corpse-human, feasting on brains and flesh until someone chops off your head, since, of course, that’s the only way zombies can die. Unless of course you kill or bite that person first and turn them into a brain-eating sack of filth, you mindless disgusting creature you.
Local officials say that Richmond-area citizens’ best bet for not turning into a zombie or having their faces and guts eaten when the apocalypse happens (2011-ish, maybe?) is to seek shelter and safety at the abandoned Cloverleaf, which, during its heyday, was once home to a Suzy’s Casuals location as well as a La Vogue.
“Zombies are going to assault us eventually, that much is absolutely certain,” said James J.L. Stegmaier, administrator for Chesterfield County, where Cloverleaf is located. “By going to this mall and locking ourselves inside with all kinds of weapons, we will be totally safe from the living dead and hopefully score a few funny or unique tchotchkes laying around at the old Spencer’s.”
“Really, what could possibly go wrong with this plan?” he added, noting he hopes to find one of those football helmets with beer holders on the head at Spencer’s.
The zombie apocalypse is expected to take place sometime between three months from now and not soon enough. While most residents will be able to set up small camps in the shuttered department stores, the cinemas, or the food court of Cloverleaf, almost all of the region’s politicians have already staked their claim at two of the mall’s former establishments: Frederick’s of Hollywood and Victoria’s Secret.