Abandoned Mall Selected As Safe Zone For Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse

Regional officials from the city and surrounding counties yesterday selected Cloverleaf Mall, a defunct and abandoned shopping center on the Southside, as the site that local residents are to take refuge in the likely event of a zombie attack.

The abandoned mall was selected as the safe zone, officials said, because abandoned malls are where people go in zombie movies, duh.

When the assault on the region by the reanimated dead people – who feast on human flesh and, most notably, brains – hopefully starts sometime in the next year, Richmond and nearby counties of Henrico, Chesterfield and Hanover will offer a free shuttle service for residents who do not have transportation to Cloverleaf, which closed in 2003 amid customer losses to the region’s newer, open-air malls.

Local residents are responsible for bringing personal items to the safe zone, such as clothing, food, and wooden stakes and chainsaws and katanas for stabbing zombies in the brain or cutting off their heads, because if zombies succeed in grabbing you, they’ll either eat you alive or turn you into one of their own with a single bite, and then boy oh boy you are completely fucked, because you won’t be able to get into the safety of the mall, and you’ll just have to face your inevitable future as a disgusting walking corpse-human, feasting on brains and flesh until someone chops off your head, since, of course, that’s the only way zombies can die. Unless of course you kill or bite that person first and turn them into a brain-eating sack of filth, you mindless disgusting creature you.

Local officials say that Richmond-area citizens’ best bet for not turning into a zombie or having their faces and guts eaten when the apocalypse happens (2011-ish, maybe?) is to seek shelter and safety at the abandoned Cloverleaf, which, during its heyday, was once home to a Suzy’s Casuals location as well as a La Vogue.

“Zombies are going to assault us eventually, that much is absolutely certain,” said James J.L. Stegmaier, administrator for Chesterfield County, where Cloverleaf is located. “By going to this mall and locking ourselves inside with all kinds of weapons, we will be totally safe from the living dead and hopefully score a few funny or unique tchotchkes laying around at the old Spencer’s.”

“Really, what could possibly go wrong with this plan?” he added, noting he hopes to find one of those football helmets with beer holders on the head at Spencer’s.

The zombie apocalypse is expected to take place sometime between three months from now and not soon enough. While most residents will be able to set up small camps in the shuttered department stores, the cinemas, or the food court of Cloverleaf, almost all of the region’s politicians have already staked their claim at two of the mall’s former establishments: Frederick’s of Hollywood and Victoria’s Secret.


13 thoughts on “Abandoned Mall Selected As Safe Zone For Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse

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  1. Pfft. Good luck… with multiple unsecured glass entrances, that’s a terrible safe zone!

    I, for one, will be waiting out the zombie attack across the street at Peaches.

  2. This one is easy — I’m setting up camp at the Red Lobster on Broad Street. Even zombies don’t want to eat there.

  3. It’s good to see the city and surrounding counties finally working together to accomplish something. With a first class “Safe Zone” like this, the Greater Richmond area will be a first class destination for Zombies looking to test their skills. The only thing that would be better is if we could have found a way to put this in Shockoe Bottom. That way the Zombies could at least spend a few bucks downtown while they are trying to break in.

  4. While I applaud the foresight of the group in selecting ANY site as a Safe Zone for the impending zombie apocalypse, I’d certainly prefer a location like Dick’s Sporting Goods or, even better, Green Top as I think we’ll need to supplies they would readily have on hand. It is a much better use for Cloverleaf Mall than it’s present situation though.

  5. My vote is Green Top to empty out the ammo and firearms and other useful items then to Walmart where we could use their generators they sell to keep the power going and maintain what food they have. Plus there are a limited number of entrances and no windows. Also if you get that cooped up feeling there is always the garden center, open air and a 12 foot chain link fence.

  6. I think your Virginia zombies came to Arizona and ate the brains of all the members of the State Legislature.

  7. Mannn! I already have evrything planned. I built tunnels under my house and walled them with concrete. The time is coming, ITS COMING I TELL YOU ITS COMING! NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!??!!

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