Mayor Gives Press Conference With Mouth Full Of Sandwich

Taking a few moments to talk to reporters on a number of pressing city issues, a visibly-hungry Mayor Dwight Jones addressed members of the media today while eating his lunch.

“Thank you all for coming,” Jones said, approaching the podium with his black leather folio, a long, silver object later confirmed to be a 12-inch meatball sub sandwich, and an already-opened bag of Lay’s potato chips. “We’ve got a lot to discuss today, and my schedule is rather tight, so I hope you don’t mind if I eat during our meeting.”

After tucking a napkin into his collar, Jones unrolled the meatball sub from its heat-containing foil wrap, lifted the sandwich to his mouth with both hands, and took a hearty bite.

He then closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and relished in the moment for approximately seven seconds.

“First and foremost…[inaudible]…existing funds…[inaudible]…this initiative,” the mayor said, appearing to choke on a piece of sub before taking a second gaping bite of the sandwich, apparently unaware that he was dripping marinara sauce all over his notes. “It has become evident…[inaudible]…inability to, I mean…man, that’s a good meatball…inability to meet the demands of…whoops, excuse me, got a little sauce there.”

Added Jones, smacking his lips: “Have any of you ever been to Coppola’s Deli? Good stuff over there.”

After finishing his 4-minute address – along with a sandwich, a side of red potato salad, a pickle and half a bag of potato chips – Jones fielded questions while wiping crumbs and red sauce from the podium.

The mayor, who refused to answer questions regarding his enjoyment of the meatball sub, was asked for a response to recent accusations that the City Council was falling behind on a number of its year-end goals. Jones’ reply, however, was distorted from the rustling of the potato chip bag he had lifted to pour the remaining few crumbs into his gaping maw.

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