Researchers: City Built On Rock And Roll

University of Virginia researchers this morning presented the “admittedly surprising” results of a 14-month geological study, which found that the 402-year-old city of Richmond was, in fact, built on rock and roll.

“Based on an analysis of the solid and liquid matter that constitutes the first 100 feet underneath Richmond proper, it would appear that the city’s founders built this city, built this city on rock anROCKANDROLLd roll,” said Monica Pierce, lead geologist on the study.

“I repeat: We built this city on rock and roll,” she added.

During a 50-minute press conference at U.Va., Pierce told reporters how researchers were able to “see” evidence of sedimentary rock and roll formations underneath the 63-square-mile city using numerous geological-surveying techniques, including drilling, underwater sonar mapping, and reviewing nearly 700 hours of 1980s-era music videos.

Among the findings, the geologist said, were hundreds of underground caverns filled with piles of classic rock albums, “a crapload” of 8-track and cassette tapes that form a natural reef in the James River, and the city’s most notable landmarks: a stairway to Heaven and a highway to Hell.

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