Researchers at Virginia Commonwealth University said today that they have found “a wealth of hard documentation” that proves a connection between the reduction of fevers in the presence of a vibrating cowbell.
“While we have long believed aspirin or ibuprofen to be the best weapon to combat a fever, it would appear that the only prescription for a fever is, in fact, more cowbell,” said Lydia Whalen, VCU’s lead researcher on the study, which subjected nearly 300 people with fevers to the sounds of the idiophonic percussion instrument being repeatedly struck with a drumstick. “We really explored the spatial data with the cowbell, and though it seemed such a thing would make the pain worse in the head area, nope, the fever got much better.”
Added Whalen: “If you got a fever…the only prescription…is more cowbell.”
In addition to the fever-cowbell link, Whalen has uncovered a number of other interesting correlations during the past year, including how a bitch is rarely one of a man’s 99 problems, and figuring out who actually started The Fire. “We didn’t,” the researcher quickly noted.