Back to the high school grind this week? Whether you’re an incoming freshman or outgoing senior, be sure to follow these simple guidelines to make the most out of the academic year:
Despite what you may have seen, the most popular guy in school does not possess the ability to call a Time Out and explain to you what the hell is going on in high school.
To prepare you for the demands of college, it helps to develop a college-level attitude toward your studies early in your academic career. Go ahead and blow off geometry to do some bong hits and listen to Phish over at Jeff’s house.
Prayer in public school is largely verboten, which is great news for you, since you’ve always been ashamed of your Scientology upbringing anyway.
Back to school shopping is one of the most fun parts about the new school year. We’ll take you to Kohl’s and get you some new slacks, and I hear Macy’s is having a huge sale on boyswear, and, oh, you’re just gonna look so handsome!
Also, be sure to take advantage of those back-to-school sales! You can get an amazing deal on an Eight Ball at various places on the East Side, and the ingredients for meth can be found cheap and easily at a local hardware store.
Bullies are difficult to deal with. They are a smaller form of bull, though they still have horns and are super powerful.
You might be inclined to try out for a sport this year. Bowling team tryouts are Thursday, after school in the gym. No seriously (snicker), they begin at 3 o’clock. You should totally try out. Yeah, (tee-hee) bring the proper shoes and wear a bowling shirt (chortle). Shh…no, guys, (lol) seriously, shutup-shutup.
Don’t worry, no matter how cool he looks and how many girls he gets, the jock will turn out to be a big loser when he grows up. Actually, wait, that’s what happens in the movies. He’ll always be a rich, good-looking, awesome person, and you’ll remain a poor, pathetic loser.
The type of backpack you choose says a lot about who you are, especially after the lacrosse team tapes a sign to it that reads, “I pee sitting down.”
It’s important to build good rapport with your teachers. And you want to get good grades, don’t you? Of course you do. Say, have you ever had wine before? Would you like to try some? You know, I see the way you look at me from your desk during class…
Did you remember bring your lunch money? Well then hand it over, bitch. And you better not tell Ms. Caffey this time or I’ll hit you with your Batman Returns Thermos.
The seats in the back of the school bus are typically the most sought after, and therefore reserved for the more popular students. That’s where we sit, as we are the type of people who make the club get crunk. If you wanna bump and slump with us, well then quit being such a pussy.
[Insert bringing-gun-to-school-joke that we are too afraid to make here.]
Fitting in can be difficult, but the most important thing to remember is to be yourself! When you be yourself, you’ll do just…wait, wait, drama club? You joined the drama club? Dude, seriously: you are so gay.