Richmond man Greg Alford is being hailed by advertising industry officials as a hero today after nearly beating to death a self-proclaimed Social Media Expert who tells potential clients that he “specailizes in maximizing online potential and return on investment” through Web technologies such as Twitter, Facebook “and especially LinkedIn.”
Garrett Frayley, 36, was transported to VCU Medical Center after suffering what onlookers described as a “breathtaking array” of kicks, punches, headbutts and stabbings to nearly every portion of his body in one of the greatest butt-spankings ever documented.
However, the Social Media Expert – who always tells clients that Friendster “is so 2005” but suggests “leveraging” Classmates.com for networking – was not scalped, which would have made the punishment even awesomer, police said.
Unfortunately, the man who calls himself a “Facebook and MySpace guru” is listed in stable condition and is expected to survive. Alford, 22, will not face charges and will have a parade held in his honor tomorrow afternoon downtown for what Richmond police chief Bryan T. Norwood described as “one of the finest acts of civic bravery I have ever seen.”
Witnesses to the harrowing but radical ass-kicking said Frayley continued to make his brazen claims about his social-networking expertise even as his head was being slammed repeatedly into a concrete curb.
“Effective marketing strategies today are really about social media, and I’m probably the foremost expert in it so your business probably needs to hire me,” Frayley was heard saying just before having his front row of teeth shattered by a roundhouse kick to the jaw.
“Does your business have a Facebook fan page? It should, because everyone is on Facebook. You should call on me for expertise, because I’m pretty in-the-know on Facebook and I’ve also got a Twitter account with more than 300 followers,” Frayley added, the sounds of his spleen rupturing highly audible from Alford’s rock-solid left hook.
Though a humble Alford would only say of the beat-down that “someone had to do it,” local advertising professionals are hailing the Social Media Expert’s butt-spanking as “a huge step in the right direction for our industry.”
“There are a lot of us out there who are trying to do social media the right way, incorporating it into our overall marketing plans as a complement to traditional advertising and public-relations,” said Benjamin Sherren, founder of local ad firm Uptown Marketing. “And then there are people such as Garrett Frayley, who we really wouldn’t mind if he tripped over the sidewalk and fell face-first into an active volcano and took his iPhone right with him.”
Despite his vast knowledge of online tools – such as knowing how to Google, use Wikipedia or log into Facebook – Frayley said he was still working on such real-life technologies as “how to make friends” or “the basic points of holding a conversation.”