Awesome New Parking Lot Planned For Shockoe Bottom


With developers that wanted to breathe new life into Shockoe Bottom having pulled plans for a new baseball stadium there yesterday, officials today unveiled a proposal for a top-off-the-line, 100-percent pure asphalt parking lot in the historic downtown area.

The lot would feature 114,00 square-feet – roughly two football fields – of hot-mix asphalt painted with white lines to designate parking spaces, according to a proposal submitted to the city earlier today by Henrico County-based Mike’s Asphalt Inc.  The lot would also be surrounded with a chain-link fence, and possibly some barbed wire across the top to keep out trespassers. 

“A parking lot like the one we have proposed would be perfect for this area and give people who decide to come to the Bottom a place to park, as well as an exquisite block of asphalt to admire,” said Mike Clary, who has owned and operated Mike’s Asphalt for the past 13 years.

“It’ll also be a great place for tourists and residents alike to visit and take in the historic, numerous missed opportunities of this part of town,” he added. 

The proposed lot will feature a diagonal pattern, designed exclusively for one-way traffic.  It will be able to hold up to 3,000 vehicles, though is never expected to reach more than 10 percent capacity.

Richmond Mayor Dwight Jones praised the parking lot idea as “a huge step forward” to ensure that the downtown area does not take any huge steps forward.

“I know that myself and many other city leaders were concerned that we might actually land a project that would help revitalize downtown,” the mayor said in a statement.  “Thankfully, with the ballpark developers having left Richmond and this parking lot proposal on the table, we can guarantee that most of Shockoe Bottom will remain a run-down, washed-up shit-hole for years to come.”


7 thoughts on “Awesome New Parking Lot Planned For Shockoe Bottom

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  1. In other news, a satirical plan to leverage city assets such as schools and police K-9 units to buy a $70 million stadium for favorite son Bryan Bostic was scuttled when developers couldn’t figure out a good punch line for the joke.

    “We opened with this great bit about how it would be totally free [to taxpayers] and we got some good laughs,” quipped Highwoods lead developer Paul Kreckman.

    “We made some hilarious pie graphs that the focus group liked but when we delivered the tax incremental financing line, nobody got the joke and the whole gag fizzled.”

    “We had to wrap it up pretty quick, like “GET IT?? Ta Daaaaa!!” Kreckman winked at this reporter. “The timing was just all wrong.”

    “So anyways,” Kreckman went on, “we decided this market just doesn’t get our kind of humor. So we’re headed back to Raleigh with a great new act we’ve been planning.”

    Kreckman didn’t specify details of the new routine, but Raleigh city council has offered $200,000 to review the comedy act before its debut.

    The Bostic/Kreckman show ran through the spring at the Funny Bone. Audience reactions were mostly hostile.

  2. Technically it wasn’t an opportunity since neither Highwoods nor RBC had the money to do what they were proposing. Bostic didn’t have enough money to buy a baseball franchise, and Highwoods didn’t have enough money to build the development. If they hadn’t misrepresented the fact that this scheme was highly dependent on public money it may have turned out differently.

    Botched yes, but an opportunity it wasn’t.

  3. The parking lot could be covered with solar awnings which would reduce the “heat island” affect while providing enough power for all of the adjacent buildings.

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