Giant Baby Ruth Bar Floating Down River


Officials are urging Richmond residents to remain calm in the wake of a log-like clump bobbing in the James River, which has now been confirmed as “just a Baby Ruth bar.”

The 50-foot long, two-story high block of chocolate-covered peanuts, caramel and nougat floated down the James late yesterday, and is currently wallowing in the low river waters near downtown. 

Its source is unknown.

“We definitely did not think it was just a candy bar at first, that’s for sure,” said Richmond Lt. Fire Marshal Michael M. Strickland, who led patrol boats into the James to take samples of the brown, log-like chunky clump of what turned out to be an extremely large version of the popular Nestle candy bar. 

“It is actually very, very delicious.  I had a small bite of it myself,” said Strickland, dressed in a white HAZMAT suit.

At approximately 3:30 p.m. yesterday, emergency officials received calls from at least 20 people sunbathing on the rocks off Belle Isle, reporting what appeared to be “something I don’t want to even describe, I’ll leave it to your imaginations,” he said. 

He explained that the sweet object was initially discovered by a snorkeler who swam upon what he did not realize at the time was simply a giant candy bar.  The young man then screamed “something inaudible,” the fire lieutenant said, causing many of those on the James to panic and flee from the shores of the summertime hangout spot in horror. 

Officials said they plan to drain the river in its entirety today and scrub down its bed, just to ensure the James is safe to play in once again.


3 thoughts on “Giant Baby Ruth Bar Floating Down River

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  1. I-am-personally-insulted.

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