A motorcade transporting Richmond Mayor Dwight Jones to the Short Pump Arby’s was attacked by terrorists yesterday, six hours after sources leaked word to Tobacco Avenue of the city official’s roast beef run.
Eight gunmen, believed to have been linked to the devout Chic-fil-A fanaticism movement, were killed in a dramatic shootout in the westbound lanes of Interstate 64 near Parham Road in an incident that sent shockwaves around the world of fast-food dining. One mayoral guard was wounded in the convoy attack by the terrorists, armed with assault rifles, rocket launchers, and thousands of Chic-fil-A Polynesian dipping sauce packets.
Jones escaped with minor scrapes in the ambush, his spokeswoman said, though was unable to fulfill his Arby’s craving.
“I would sincerely hope the reporters at Tobacco Avenue are happy for the events they have singlehandedly caused today, having reported on classified information regarding the mayor’s luncheoning habits,” said Tammy Hawley, the mayor’s press secretary. “Furthermore, Mayor Jones was unable to reach the luxury Arby’s in Short Pump and therefore denied a large roast beef sandwich, and possibly some of those triangle-shaped potato bites.”
Tobacco Avenue Editor & Publisher Randolph J. Strummer Jr. had no comment on the matter, saying he was too busy watching the 2007 Peter Berg film The Kingdom.
Four of the mayor’s escorting vehicles, black Chevrolet Suburbans, were destroyed in the motorcade attack, forcing city agents into a violent gun battle in the middle of I-64. One of the mayor’s security guards, known to aides as “the comic relief,” was kidnapped by the Chic-fil-Agents but rescued nearly two hours later.
The mayoral convoy attack was condemned by a still-hungry Jones, who said he had been “thinking Arby’s” since early Tuesday morning.
“Let it be known that I will not let a few radical chicken-sandwich lovers take a craving of juicy, roasted beef away from me,” the 62-year-old Jones said, adding that he would bring the terrorists to justice and soon make it to Arby’s “so help me God.”
Added Jones: “We’re gonna kill ’em all.”