Officials at the Federal Reserve Bank of Richmond said today that they have taken measures to purchase and secure nearly 3.4 million boxes of Girl Scout cookies during the youth organization’s annual sale – enough to feed the region for the next 12 months when the cookie drive goes dark.
Jeffrey M. Lacker, president of the Richmond Fed, said the stockpile of cookies will be protected by armed guards and “several of those super-hot red laser beams that cross over one another like you see in the movies,” 24 hours a day. The cookies will be kept in a secured basement vault at the Fed, in the same place where the building stores all of its precious gold.
Girl Scout cookie sales, which occur annually between January and April, are being pinched by both the recession and U.S. consumer confidence levels at near all-time lows. Lacker, who said his favorite flavor is “an even split” between Do-si-dos and Thin Mints, told reporters that the Fed took “extraordinary action” to make sure the Fifth Federal Reserve District bank was well capitalized with equity, and, perhaps more importantly, the 97-year-old Girl Scouts organization’s’ delicious fund-raising bullion.
“While I expect the government’s fiscal stimulus to help the economic situation in the short-term, we must make sure we have on hand enough shortbread cookies to make it through this recession, and reaffirm confidence in the Thin Mints supply to keep up with regional demand,” Lacker said, carefully running his forefinger down the top of a box of Dulce De Leche Latin caramel wafers, a new variety of Girl Scout cookie introduced this year. “These things are great, aren’t they? Wish they had them earlier.”
Added Lacker, closing his eyes and slowly placing a cookie onto his tongue: “Jethuth Chritht.”
Lacker also noted that the Fed had stepped up security in recent days after receiving several threats via telephone from a stuttering terrorist with a German accent looking to play a twisted game of “Simon Says.”