Reporter At Important Press Conference Captivated By Nearby Group Selling Girl Scout Cookies


Faced with a low graduation rate, fiscal mismanagement and poor public perception, Richmond Public Schools Superintendent Yvonne W. Brandon said in a press conference this morning that the public school system is on the verge of, ohmigod, there is a group over there selling Girl Scout cookies.

“There have been some missteps in this school system in the past, and we are poised for change,” Brandon said, noting that Richmond schools enroll only two-thirds of school-age children in the city, but whatever, does anyone have another dollar for a box of Samoas?  They’re only $3.50, and I got like $2.20, and Jesus those things are good. 

I’ll pay you back.

“Something about kids or truancy or something,” Brandon probably said, likely noting an important percentage of some sort, let’s say 52 percent, along with vanilla cookies dipped in caramel and toasted coconut and laced with chocolate stripes.  “School stuff, kids, children and how they are our future,” the superintendent more than likely said at some point during the 20-minute press conference, which feels like it is lasting a lifetime until I can get my hands on a few boxes of those things.

A statement about  speciality programs.  An update on remediation efforts.  They are definitely almost out of Trefoils, I can tell, because I don’t see any more yellow boxes anywhere over there.  Oh, and frigging Tagalongs.  Forgot about those.  You can buy and eat them now, right?  Like, I don’t have to put in an order and wait a few weeks like you used to.  No?  Good.  Good. 

Great to hear.

Brandon noted that the public school system’s dropout rate is among the worst in the state, which, speaking of Virginia, that reminds me, there are some great farms here, many of which have dairy cows, which produce milk, which I definitely need to make sure I have enough of before I crush a sleeve of Thin Mints after this stupid meeting.


6 thoughts on “Reporter At Important Press Conference Captivated By Nearby Group Selling Girl Scout Cookies

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  1. Ever had a girl scout laugh at you? Come to Michigan and ask for a box of Samoas. Apparently up here they are known as Caramel Rounds and they looooove to point it out.

  2. Silly people. Trefoils come in a blue box. Lemon cremes are in yellow. Tagalongs, red, Thin Mints, green, Samoas, purple. Yes, I am a Girl Scout mother. And a co-leader. And, right about now, sick to death of those darn cookies.

    1. Tammy,
      Dammit. So you’re saying we inaccurately reported something? That is a first for us.
      Randolph J. Strummer Jr.
      Editor & Publisher

      1. Not to play devil’s advocate (really just a cover up for “I’m the asshole!), but Trefoils did, in fact, come in a yellow box sometime in the mid-to late-1980s.

        Perhaps Mr. Strummer’s ten year jail sentence stemming from his struggles with pedophilia was served during the time the box redesign occurred.

  3. Based on the coverage of these girl scout cookies, I would have to say Mr. Strummer is either a closet girl scout or just got his shipment in and is obsessed with these things.

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