Police said today that they are on the lookout for the key suspect in last week’s robbery of a nonprofit organization for grieving children, searching far and wide for a man who lacks the necessary organs required for human and mammal-based reproduction, better known as testicles.
Founded in 1999, Richmond-based Comfort Zone Camp offers bereavement camps for children who have lost parents or siblings. Police said the offices at 4906 Cutshaw Ave. were broken into and ransacked early Friday morning by a thief who, based on evidence found at the crime scene, is missing core components that comprise the endocrine and reproductive systems, processes of which are controlled by the gonadotropic hormones produced by the anterior pituitary gland.
“While we have very few leads on this person’s ethnicity, whereabouts and physical characteristics, we can confirm with 100 percent certainty that our suspect is lacking key elements required to live as a fully-functioning man,” said Richmond Police Chief Bryan T. Norwood, showing reporters a diagram of a normal male, with testicles, and a sketch of the what the robber would look like, without a pair of testes.
“So as you can see, this person or persons have no balls,” Norwood added.
In addition to the laptop computers and cash that were stolen, police said the thief also “took his sweet little time” to play with the camp’s Easy-Bake Oven, Barbie Dream House and do other activities that can be performed by those who lack the ability to create testosterone.