Pocahontas Too Scared To Drive On Her Own Highway

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HEAVEN – Saying the parkway named after her is “way too high and way too scary,” Pocahontas, the Native American from Virginia who married Englishman John Rolfe, expressed resignation over traveling her namesake toll road and its 145-foot-high bridge across the James River.

“No way, you’ll never get me on that damn thing,” the Chesterfield County resident said, admitting that she could save 30 minutes of her day by traveling the Pocahontas 895 to her job in eastern Henrico County, but would rather take Interstate 95 to play it safe.  “Was it really necessary to build my bridge that high?  I guess it’s gotta be for the ships to fit under it and all, but I mean, Jesus Christ.”

Pocahontas then left for work, where she was killed in a seven car pile-up on I-95.

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