Confused Management Orders Circuit City Locations To Be Liquified

Apparently befuddled over the definition of the term “liquidation,” management at Richmond-based Circuit City Stores Inc. have ordered all 567 locations and inventory to be immediately liquified and turned into giant puddles of viscous fluid.

The move, which Wall Street analysts are calling “a rather odd but hopefully final misstep” in the history of the 60-year-old consumer electronics chain, began Saturday after nearly 20,000 company empuddleployees held blow dryers and any form of heating devices they could find against the sides of the brick-and-mortar stores.  The long-struggling Circuit City said last week that it was unable to find a buyer and would be forced out of business.

So far, only two Circuit City locations, its igloo-based Alaskan stores, have been successfully turned to substances that can take the shape of any container.

“This doesn’t really make much sense, but then again, a lot of what we’ve been doing lately hasn’t made any sense,'” Brad Nagle, an employee at the Short Pump store, said as he exhaled onto a Blu-ray high-definition DVD player in an attempt to melt it. 

Senior-level managers seemed just as perplexed by the liquification.

“This was obviously an error on our parts that could have been prevented with the opening of a dictionary to find the difference between ‘liquidate’ and ‘liquify,'” said CEO James Marcum, who, despite having ordered the wrong course of action, continued to blow torch the side of the Chesterfield County store in an attempt to make it turn to a water-like form of matter.

“Yet regardless of going about this in completely the wrong way, we’re going to continue to do it,” Marcum added.

The grammatical error was the latest in a series of devastating blows for Circuit City.  Last year, the company removed the roofs over its home theater departments to make the feel of watching a football game on a flat-screen television more like sitting in an actual stadium.  The move caused nearly $15 million in weather-related property damages, but wasn’t nearly as ruinous as the company’s 2002 decision to remove bathrooms at all stores to cut costs.


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