Because It Sounds Way Better Than Jufact
July 1: Thirteen protesters form a human chain by cementing their hands together in front of the entrance to Dominion. Police are able to simply move the radical environmentalists aside so traffic can properly flow, and all 13 are later violently eaten by wolves.
July 2: At least three dozen bargoers in the Fan District report sightings of that That Really Old Hugh Hefner-ish Guy twice in one night.
July 7: Virginia ABC Stores open for the first time on Sundays, helping residents extend their hangovers to Mondays.
July 8: In a sign of the changing times, Mechanicsville-based AMF Bowling Centers announces that it will replace the lanes at each of its 341 U.S. locations with the Nintendo Wii bowling game.
July 10: Despite the comprehensive report’s high importance to the future of Richmond, janitors discover several copies of the Downtown Plan laying on the floors of the men’s bathroom stalls at City Hall.
July 10: Seeking to rebrand its image as a traditional public utility, Dominion Resources Inc. launches an updated version of its most popular product, called iElectricity. The product proves to be extremely popular with 100 percent of consumers, along with the innovative company’s line of popular two- and three- prong “Get Juiced Up!”-brand power and extension cords.
July 16: Mayor L. Douglas Wilder ensures citizens that the city has been “fully protected” against Andy Dick, including stand-up shows, commentary, or visits to the Virginia capital by the actor and comedian. The $22 million plan will go toward construction of an Andy Dickwall around Richmond’s downtown; Andy Dickproofing of all comedy clubs, theaters and homes; and several extra protections that will offer the city complete Andy Dickification.
July 18: Richmond School Board member Keith West expresses dismay over being forced by the chairman to read “the super boring” Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry, one of seven stupid assigned summer reading books for the city’s educational governing body.
July 23: Sources say veteran Richmond news anchor Gene Cox goes “absolutely apeshit” over his rejection by Style Weekly on its annual Power List. According to several bystanders, the Cox tirade included claims by the anchor that he should have been included on the newspaper’s annual ranking of the region’s most powerful people “after all I’ve done for this town,” “because you’d better believe I darn-well deserve it,” and the 63-year-old’s incessant belief that simply keeping thousands of local citizens informed was “more than e-goddamned-nough” for at least a Top 20 Power List placement. And then, WRVA 1140AM reads the story, and knows its fake, talks about it on the radio, and, depending on when you came into the broadcast, you may have believed it, then Gene Cox sees it, hears about it, Tobacco Avenue gets a call from the Times-Dispatch, Cox is kinda not amused, then later goes back and delves into the site a bit deeper and sends us a really funny email, laughing. It was a great a day.
July 28: Regional public transportation service GRTC is sued for abbreviation rights by the Greater Richmond Taco Council, the area’s leading Mexican food-eating advocacy group.
July 29: After the Princeton Review ranks Ashland’s tiny Randolph-Macon College the No. 6 “Party School” in the country, a poll emerges that ranks the Princeton Review the nation’s worst maker of polls.