Seeking to mirror the success of the 11-1 New York Giants, the 7-5 Washington Redskins said this morning that Santana Moss has been told to accidentally self-inflict a gunshot wound onto his thigh, an injury that will bench the wide receiver for the remainder of the season.
The announcement comes on the heels of the Redskins’ 23-7 loss against the defending Super Bowl champions on Sunday. Despite Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress missing the game after unintentionally shooting himself in the right thigh at a nightclub on Friday night, New York still managed to power past Washington, which played and lost the game with each of its wide receivers – none of whom had self-inflicted gunshot wounds to their legs.
“We’ve seen how the Giants perform when they allow their wide receivers to mistakenly discharge a firearm into their bodies, so we’re going to give that strategy a – pardon the pun – shot,” Redskins Head Coach Jim Zorn said during a press conference, noting that Moss has purchased a small-caliber handgun and been told to inflict a non-life-threatening wound above his right knee by Friday. “We would prefer that Santana also carry no papers for the gun, just to make this act as illegal as possible, and increase our chances for winning.”
In addition to the Have-Wide-Receiver-Accidentally-Shoot-Self-In-Leg strategy that the defending Super Bowl champions have employed in recent days, Zorn said Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell’s parents will be encouraged to birth a personable, twin older brother so that the team “may be further like” the Giants.