Wondering where all his friends and family have gone in recent weeks, the iconic statue of the Native American brave at The Diamond was diagnosed today with clinical depression, doctors said.
Local psychotherapist Dr. Philip M. Marbal Jr. said the statue of the Richmond Brave – which is inexplicably named “Connecticut” – has been “completely inconsolable” since the minor league baseball team played its last game at the field in September.
Marbal said the 40-foot-tall Native American warrior has wept nearly 50 gallons of tears in the past week, lost almost 1,200 pounds, and is suffering from a complete lack of interest in his normal physical activities, such as appearing to climb out from behind a concrete wall, staying absolutely still, never blinking, and looking ominous.
“With the loss of the Braves, Connecticut has some reasonable worries that he could be ripped down or destroyed, which of course leads to the symptoms we are seeing in his psyche and mood,” Marbal said, noting the Indian is concerned that he could torn apart limb-by-limb and have his body parts bought by local R-Braves fans as keepsakes. “Plus, with talk of moving his entire home to [Shockoe] Bottom, you can see why he’d be more than just a little upset.”
To treat Connecticut’s depression, the doctor has prescribed a 40-liter bottle of whiskey for the massive Indian and encouraged him to smoke a 3-yard-long peace pipe twice daily. As for physical activity, he said Connecticut should stand up, walk around, and go on a giant scalping spree on every English settler he can find.