Officials: Stupid Old People Having Trouble Working Polling Computers

Virginia Board of Elections officials are cautioning voters to be patient this morning as hundreds of “stupid old people” experience difficulty in operating the incredibly user-friendly voting machines.

The stupid old people, defoldpeopleined by officials as “some voters older than age 70,” are causing lines to backup all across the Richmond region as the elderly people cannot, for the life of them, work a simple machine that asks them to touch a finger onto a computer screen, thereby selecting a political candidate, “then hitting a big, red, flashing digital button that says ‘VOTE’ in all capital letters,” said Maryann Whitaker, spokeswoman for the Board of Elections.

“It’s like they’re simply just afraid of the word ‘computer,’ or possess some inane inability to operate anything with graphics,” she said. 

Whitaker said the complaints from the stupid old people range from “the dag-nam computers” to “the young folks and their music” to being insistent that they were unable to use “these got-damned Internet machines with their Google,” even though the search-engine technology was not being used in the offline polling machines. 

Chesterfield County resident and stupid old person and Helen M. Conway said she was “fed up” with the complex computer-voting system, instead wishing that she could go back to the ease of the olden days of carefully lining up a candidate’s name to a piece of paper, punching a tiny “chad” into the card with a hole punch, and taking the time to insert the card into a ballot box, uncertain as to whether her vote was correct.

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