If You Be Me For Halloween, Then I Blow The Hospital

Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you for once in your petty, insignificant lives. 

Help me understand.  Do you think that…and I don’t mean to be rude…do you think that I…do you think that I look like this because I choose to?  You think that because, because…because I look this way that I, uh, like this look?  What are you, insane?

I find it kinda…weird…I guess, that you would want to be me for Halloween night.  It’s offensive, really.  So let me tell you something, want to hear?  I’ll make this simple: If you go as me tomorrow, so much as try, then I blow up the hospital.  I’m giving you sixty minutes to make up your mind.   

Easy.  As.  That.

Look, we’re all freaks on some level.  Inside or out.  My freakishness just so happens to be on the outside, making for a bit of an impediment with some folks.  But I’m not a monster.  I’m just a little…eccentric.  You might say.  I mean, look at you. Where’dya get that costume of me, some seasonal Halloween store?  You spent $30 on some phony mask and a cheap purple jacket?  You think I’d, that I’d, that I’d wear that crap? You don’t think I can, uh, I can afford something…nicer?

I mean, did you even see The Dark Knight, you weasel?  Practically everyone and their goldfishies did.  It made, like, almost a billion dollars, and what, you don’t think I got my fair share of that?  Hell, I took it all after I offed the director, gassed the set and threw Commissioner Gordon off a balcony. 

So why you gotta dress up as me?  Seriously.  I’m not…not crazy.  Spare my dignity.  And the hospital.   

What, do you think I look scary with these scars…is, is that it?  You think that, that, that I was born like this?  You’re silly.  You wanna know how I got these scars? Let me explain something to you.  My father was a bit of a drinker.  And one night he goes off on me, a bit crazier than typical.  He gets the kitchen knife and takes it to mom, cackling as he does it, then turns on me, and…hey!  Why that serious look on your face?  You scared?

Why so serious? 

Laugh a little, c’mon.  Why do you think they call me The Joker?  Let’s put a smile on that face!  I’m nothing to be afraid of.  Not totally, at least…look, I got a better idea for you, kid.  Instead of having your mommy make you some lame green wig and a clown-looking scarred-up mask…you’d cut your own face if you weren’t such a coward…why don’t you play dress-up as the Batman?  Just think about all those sick and dying patients who are counting on you not to go out trick-or-treating as me.

Of course, you’re probably so unoriginal you’ll just go as Joe The Plumber.  Surely, ladies and gentlemen, we won’t be seeing any of those out tomorrow!

Ah-Ha! Ah-Ha!  Ah-Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

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