Huge voter turnout? Check. Paper ballots just in case of electronic problems? Check. Ample protection against the threat of a pack of dinosaurs attacking and killing throngs of voters?
Don’t count on it.
Despite ardent claims that they are prepared for a heavy turnout or technical difficulties on Tuesday, officials at the Virginia Board of Elections said today that they are “extremely concerned” about the lack of voter protection against an unanticipated attack by velociraptors.
Raptors, prominent during the later years of the Cretaceous Period, may still run rampant in packs throughout parts of Virginia, experts say. The bipedal dinosaur – which ranges in size from that of a turkey to an ostrich – can be distinguished by its upturned snout, razor-sharp talons on its hind legs, and violent aggression toward Election Day voters waiting patiently in line, oblivious to the looming threat of a dromaeosaurid assault.
“When preparing for this Tuesday, we put a wonderful system in place that ensures every precinct in the state has enough voting machines per registered voter, and paper ballots as backup,” said Maryann Whitaker, spokeswoman for the Board of Elections. “Nonetheless, should a herd of these vicious carnivores move through Virginia on Nov. 4 and storm any of our polling stations, well then, may God help us all.”
Though the state budgeted nearly $5.6 million for voting-equipment upgrades and other resources this year, none of that funding went toward construction of high-voltage fencing around polling places or large-bore ammunition to stop the invasion by the fast-moving dinosaurs, which are able to instantly fell persons fulfilling their civic duty with either of their distinctive, sickle-shaped claws.
Thankfully, while polling stations are still open to a raptor strike, the budget did earmark dollars for nearly 3,000 gallon tubs of margarine, 7,000 dozen eggs and 19,000 boxes of Bisquick to serve pancakes to the first 400 voters at each polling precinct.