Tobacco Avenue's Tips For Attending: The State Fair Of Virginia

Heading to the State Fair of Virginia, which runs through October 5?  Whether you attend every year with family and friends or this is your first time at one of the most cherished rites of passage into autumn, be sure to follow these simple guidelines to make the most out of your visit:

-Leave that diet of yours at home!  At the state fair, you’ll find all kinds of fun foods, such as deep-fried Oreos, funnel cakes, sausages, baby goats, and a Ferris wheel.

-The midway can get pretty crowded at night, making it the perfect place to abandon your wife and children for a few hours, or the rest of eternity.

-It is completely offensive to refer to carnival workers as “carnies.”  They prefer to be called “sort of-humans.”

-There are two First Aid tents on the premises for visitors, and one Second Aid tent at an off-site location for the sort of-humans.

-While there are many rides and attractions, the state fair is actually a very educational event for students to learn about animals, agriculture, and what, exactly, a pregnant man or Monkey Woman looks like.

-The Super Shot is a thrilling ride that shoots riders up a nearly 100-foot tower, hangs in the air for split second, then explodes into a ball of flames. 

-Winning one of the big stuffed animals is a tradition for many fair-goers, particularly cocaine dealers who need a place to hide their bricks.

-When your child wins a goldfish and says he wants to call it “Goldie,” punish the youngster in public, and tell him to stop being so unimaginative and boring.

-The Elephant Ears have a tough, pachyderm-like taste with a few small hairs here and there, but taste great when sprinkled with powdered sugar and cinnamon.

-Free parking is available in three lots at the fair, however, once finding a spot, you will not be able to collect any money from the combined pot of the Luxury Tax, Income Tax, or that crappy Community Chest card where you have to pay up for all your houses and hotels.

-You will definitely see That Guy, That Guy’s Best Friend, That Guy’s Sister, That Guy’s In-Law Of Some Form, and That Guy’s Obnoxious Tattoos Under What Is Technically Known As That Guy’s White Sleeveless Undershirt But Is Better Known As That Guy’s Wife Beater.

-While the cotton candy maker will automatically roll your treat onto a stick, he will be happy to make you a sweet, edible pair of light blue socks if you ask. 

-Sheepdog competitions are really cool to see, and I bet you thought we’d make a joke about combining a sheep and dog, didn’t you?  Nope, we’re just making a joke about your mom.  So this was just one big “your mom” joke.  Gotcha! 

-The four-inch tall woman is indeed a freak show to behold, but not as much as some of the regular-sized women walking around the midway.

-Pick up your tickets online or at the gates, or you can get them from my good friend Bob Sacamano, yeah, yeah Jerry, he sells Russian hats down in Battery Park for $40, he can get you tickets to anything you need, just let him know.

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