The Mayoral Debates, According To TA

Tobacco Avenue had the honor from Style Weekly and RVANews.com to participate in tonight’s mayoral debates in downtown Richmond.  Along with Buttermilk & Molasses, we followed along as six of Richmond’s mayoral candidates – five men, and a young woman – answered questions about the future of the city.  Here was Tobacco Avenue’s reporting, which you can also find on RVANews.com:

I have heard that Paul Goldman is in the building. Most mayoral candidates took cars or walked here; Goldman parachuted in with a giant American flag hanging from his heels, as you can see in the picture I took:

NBC12’s Aaron Gilchrist is here as a panelist. As you may know, “Gilchrist” is actually Finnish for “Truly Amazing Wardrobe.”

Candidate Dwight Jones was late following the candidates into the debate room following the reception. Sources tell us he was “slightly too into” the spicy cheese cubes on the appetizer tray.

Candidate Robert Grey is a very tall man, with impeccable hair. Jason Roop, Style’s editor and the moderator of this panel, mentioned that he was a “big admirer” of Grey’s mustache.

Candidate Paul Goldman is speaking. He is so adorable. The voice, the mannerisms, the fact that the microphone needed to be lowered just a bit for him. So precious.

Robert Grey is speaking with the understanding that, one day in the future, Will Smith will play him in the movie about Richmond. The actor is expected to portray the mayoral candidate as a person who wants to grow confidence in city leaders, make it easier for businesses to flourish, and battle aliens every July 4th weekend.

Dwight Jones just spoke. His voice is incredibly deep, so much even that seven of the beautiful windows were shattered and one of the chandeliers in this banquet hall fell on Paul Goldman. It is madness here.

Candidate Bill Pantele says the future of this city is based in being able to walk everywhere in an urban living environment, or as he puts it, “feet on the street.” The candidate told me before this debate that he worked for nearly 4 hours to get that rhyme, after tossing around “soles in the holes,” and “laces on our spaces,” though neither of those made any sense.

The fifth candidate who is standing up there is talking.  He goes by “Lawrence E. Williams” and is saying something about community or growth or something like that.

We are told he is running for mayor.

The sixth mayoral candidate, the only female, is talking. Her name is Veronica Moyer, a 23-year-old former Hooters waitress. She has promised to “bring sexy back” to the mayor’s office, “a sexiness that has been lost in the past four years,” as well as recruit a Double-D League baseball team to replace the Braves.

Dwight Jones just talked about doing “door to door canvassing” around the town. Which poses a good question: What on earth does painting have anything to do with running for mayor?

Lawrence E. Williams said something about the elderly, then made a hand motion. He is looking very mayoral.

Dwight Jones says we must support Virginia Commonwealth University, but we need to eventually consider satellite campuses if its growth becomes too much within the city. That, of course, would be a very bold – and expensive – move.  Does he even understand how much it costs to shoot a satellite into space, much less one with a college campus on it?

Pantele admits that he can’t remember the last time he rode a GRTC bus. Though he said that the last time he took a bus, in general, was 1972, “with a bunch of guys, going to this music show, and, look man, it was ‘72 OK?”

Robert Grey just gave his input on whether we need another baseball team here to replace the Braves. He admits he “isn’t such a fan” of baseball or sports in general, “thinks watching it on TV is boring,” and says fans are “a bunch of hooligans.”

He then suggested that we instead build a giant field for playing croquet, “a sport that is much more tame.”

On the question of regional cooperation, Paul Goldman turned to his campaign adviser, Paul Goldman, who turned to Goldman’s messaging guy, Paul Goldman, who turned to the political adviser and who many analysts consider Goldman’s “man behind the scenes,” Paul Goldman.

Goldman’s answer was pretty good: “Yes, we need to collaborate on stuff.”

Dwight Jones just spoke and corrected Aaron Gilchrist on the pronunciation of his name. The candidate says: “The ‘DW’ makes a ‘YA’ sound, the ‘I’ and ‘T’ are silent, and the ‘GH’ make a ‘HOO!’ sound.”

Ed Slipek from Style Weekly just asked a question and told the candidates to “hurry the [expletive] up on the answer, because ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8’ comes on tonight.”

Paul Goldman agreed on the ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8’ comment, and is talking really fast. Grey now also talking fast, but that’s because he had a few too many waters beforehand and has “gotta go.” The sixth mayoral candidate, former Hooters waitress Veronica Moyer, is just standing there, looking really hot.

Robert Grey just answered a question about the recent city services audit. He replied that he loves his Audi “a whole lot.” The sixth mayoral candidate said she would take the wasted funding uncovered in the audit, and would create “the bestest ever Public Pole Dancing School System ever.”

The mayoral candidates are doing their closing statements. Pantele just talked about “gaining our momentum,” while Lawrence Williams and Dwight Jones talked about needing change in a critical time of our…Oh wait…Do you all see that outside the window?…It’s…It’s…is that a T-Rex? Downtown? Oh my GOD! It’s coming right for the window! Oh he’s…here he comes! Nooo! It’s got Paul Goldman! Someone save him! Oh Jesus for the love of Aaron Gilchrist somebody save him! He’s going after Style editor Jason Roop and right for the media table and AAARGGHH!!!

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