Carpetlike Green Substance Growing Incessantly Over Suburbs

Scientists said they have discovered a lush, green, carpet-like alien life-form growing among vast areas of the Richmond suburbs – a substance that, if residents attempt to destroy, will reappear nearly a week later.

All across the region, men – many young, between the ages of 12 and 18 – are volunteering their lives to fight what the scientists call “an always-growing behemoth” that has plagued homes of all values.  The men arm themselves with powerful weapons that cut the substance into tiny bits, only to regrow again days later, researchers say.

“While this species of thing, whatever it may be, has completely surrounded the ground-levels of many local homes, it remains impervious to any form of blade that we hit it with,” said David. G. Grass, whose believes he may be close to determining the atomic elements of the soft green blades, thus naming the product after himself.  “However, we have seen limited efficacy in killing it by shooting at it certain poisonous, liquidic chemicals, though this only prevents future growth by several more weeks.”

Besides homes, the scientist said, the formations have been found in several other spotty areas, including local outdoor sports fields, newer roofs, and, in some cases, growing between cracks in local roadways and tennis courts.

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