Henrico County Fashion Police unleashed a barrage of heavy trash-talking onto seven women after they were seen wearing white this morning, now less than 24 hours after the requirement to not wear such a color went into effect, officials confirmed.
The suspects, all of them women, were seen walking into their offices dressed in white slacks on a day when doing so “runs counter to the customary dictum of only being allowed to wear white between Memorial and Labor days,” HCFP Sgt. Fredricka Rowe said. “I’ll admit that it can be fun to look like a done-up skank from time to time, but please, leave some of it to our imaginations!”
After the women refused orders to change into another color – an off-white or beige, even, just something to stop looking like unladylike hobags – they were attacked by the officers with a string of put-downs, insults and both smack- and trash-related talk, causing those nearby to flee in panic, Rowe said.
Men and women, fresh from three-day holiday weekends and dressed in semi-white colors, ducked into bushes or behind parked cars to escape the fashion police’s verbal beatings, while those in non-white colors said to be more appropriate for post-Labor Day occasions attempted to go about business as usual.
“It is clearly written in the Book of Etiquette and Fashion that one does not wear white post-Labor Day, and these stank-ass bitches be the opposite of prim and proper, lookin’ like they made their clothes from marshmallows,” Rowe said, noting that, while white tennis shoes are acceptable during the next few months, “these dumb tramps be wearin’ white pumps! Fussy bunch of Hussies!”
While Rowe said the fashion police department is unsure on the origin of the requirement to never wear white after Labor Day, she cited the change to cooler temperatures to make the case for darker colors, as well as the need for women to not look like “a fussy group of overweight nurses, with their untanned fair skin and suits that look like a bunch of birds just let loose on them. Lord have mercy!”