Tobacco Avenue’s Tips for Attending: the first day of school

In college or grade school?  Either way, classes are starting up again here soon.  If you’re heading back to class for the fall, be sure to follow these simple guidelines to make the most out of your first day back:

People are still going to think you are weird, because even though you have tried to explain it to folks a thousand times before, eating human flesh just isn’t considered normal.

If you are walking into a new school for the first time, remember: Make someone your bitch, or become one.

Lay out your clothes the night before, unless you happen to go to school at a nudist colony.

Make sure you have the proper supplies for attending classes, such as a box of No. 2 pencils, color-coded folders, a life jacket, three large cardboard boxes, and a three-week cache of food, big-bore ammunition and oxygen.  Trust us on this one.

If you have been assigned a shiny new locker, get inside it now nerd!  Before I smash your puny face in!

In your freshman year of college, you may be pressured to try alcohol or drugs for the very first time, but don’t worry, this is a very normal occurrence for a lame-tard like you.

Orientation is a great way to learn about old-timey Asian cultures.  Rush is the formal recruiting process for fraternities and sororities, as well as the extraordinary feeling you get after doing three lines of coke off a sorority girl’s thigh during fraternity Rush events.

Want to get to know people?  A good icebreaker is a hammer or icepick.  As for meeting new people, good luck with all that.  It’s difficult.

If your desk happens to be beside someone who looks Arab, Muslim or Indian, you probably don’t have to worry about them being a terrorist.  However, you’re not going to be the top student in math or science class anymore. 

If you see a guy up front who looks way older than second grade, generally slacks off and is trying to turn his life around by going back to school because he’s failed over and over and over again recently, don’t worry.  That’s just Adam Sandler.

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