Tobacco Avenue’s Tips for Attending: the Carytown Watermelon Festival

Heading to Carytown this Sunday for the 25th Annual Watermelon Festival?  Whether you attend every year or this is your first time at the most established of all Richmond’s festivals, be sure to follow these simple guidelines to make the most out of your visit:

-It gets so hot during the festival every year that the watermelons actually begin to boil.

-Spitting watermelon seeds onto the ground can result in a $250,000 fine or up to five years in federal prison.

-Swallowing watermelon seeds, however, is fatal once the fruit starts to grow, so it is best not to eat the watermelon at all.

-The Latin spelling of “watermelon” is “vas deferens.”  No no, wait, that’s part of a man’s testicles.  We’re thinking of “Citrullus lanatus.” 

-Typical people use watermelons as food, though perverts can find some really weird things to do to them with a carving knife and some loneliness.

-The watermelons are so ripe that not only can you eat the red fruit, but you can finish off the seeds and rind.  Just be sure to stop at the elbow.

-Last year’s Watermelon Festival ended in disaster after Gallagher showed up.

-The Carytown Watermelon Festival typically draws a huge crowd – way more attendees than the Carytown Cantaloupe Show, but far less than the Carytown Hot Naked Ladymelons Parade.

-This Watermelon Festival is much more tame and way less lewd than a similar event in Richmond, the Church Hill Spiked Watermelon Festival.

-In addition to the watermelon, funnel cakes and all kinds of other carnival-style food will be for sale, reminding you of your weird uncle Gerald who always took you to the state fair and told you not to tell mom and dad anything the two of you did when together.

-Many stores will hold sales during the day, featuring hot deals on all kinds of crap, junk and other things you probably don’t need.

-If you see an African-American person eating watermelon, well then, boy oh boy, is he or she ever a racist.

-Can Can is an active participant in the festival, serving its own watermelon out on the street.  However, you shouldn’t eat it, because French people smell strange, wear funny hats, reportedly don’t shave their armpits and charge way too much for a dozen freaking oysters.


4 thoughts on “Tobacco Avenue’s Tips for Attending: the Carytown Watermelon Festival

Add yours

  1. did anyone really attend? Shapiro said more than 100,000 did but was that just the politicians? Did that include the stroller brigade? Did “they” count dogs as well? Does anyone really care?

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