Tobacco Avenue’s Tips for Attending: Summer Weddings

It’s summer time, and that means weddings.  Whether you are just getting into the “wedding age” or you’ve been doing this stuff for years, be sure to follow these simple guidelines to get the most out of the holy event:

-There will be a reading about love and marriage from out of Corinthians.  To those of you who have never been into a church before, that is a chapter in the Bible.

-Be sure to walk around saying things to friends like, “She just eye-[blanked] the [blank] out of me,” “Lock it up,” or “Crab cakes and football, that’s what Maryland’s about!”  They are all really original and clever statements to say at weddings these days.

-Remember that the U.S. divorce rate is one in two marriages.  Therefore, every one in two weddings you attend will eventually end in divorce.  The other will end in a domestic murder-suicide.

-Wedding reception hook-up rates, however, are still flying high at nearly 100 percent, so stop being such a wuss and just go up and talk to her.

-The bride’s family sits on the left of the church, the groom’s on the right.  In West Virginia, the families sit togeth…Oh screw this, I’m not making another West Virginia joke.         

-Rain on a wedding day is a superstition that many believe casts a dark spell upon the marriage.  Rain on a wedding day is also like having 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife, or seeing a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break, amongst other ironic things.

-The bride wears something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue.  The groom is probably wearing a pair of boxers he’s had since high school, was told by his fiancee to get a new haircut, borrowed the tux from Men’s Wearhouse and has until death do him part to feel blue.

-If the wedding is in a Catholic church, be prepared for a longer-than-normal ceremony.  There was also some problem in the Catholic Church a few months back, so whatever happened, it’s probably wise to just be really, really careful.

-The cutting of the cake is always a fun moment.  Sometimes, the bride and groom smash cake in one another’s faces, and if this happens, know that you are at a redneck wedding.

-Hope the dinner is a buffet and not a sit-down.  Formal “sit-down” dinners require you to talk to others who you may not know and go through a traditional five-course meal.  The bigger the guest list, the worse the food will be as dishes are prepared in such large quantities.  Buffets, meanwhile, typically have several stations of good, hot food, and “mashed potato bars” are a ton of fun and have become the big trend these days as what, seriously, what am I talking about?  Wedding reception fare?  Are you kidding me?  What day is it?  Twenty-sixth of June.  Jesus Christ.  That means…How many weddings have I been to already this summer?  Am I really sitting here writing out descriptions of dinner options at weddings?  What have I become?  What have I become?

-Jewish weddings involve the breaking of a glass over a ship’s bow, and then talking about making movies and earning lots of money, probably.

-Rice or flowers are available at the end of the reception to throw at the bride and groom as they leave.  A real funny joke is to bring a handful of marbles and use those instead – everyone will probably get a huge kick out of your antics. 

-The bridal gown is white to symbolize the purity and innocence of the woman’s heart, and to match the look of spine-bending fear on the groom’s face at the time.


4 thoughts on “Tobacco Avenue’s Tips for Attending: Summer Weddings

Add yours

  1. Oh. My. GAWD. I’ve been through two complete iterations of friends’ weddings: the first wave, and then the post-divorce second marriage wave, and then…oh, screw it. Too fucking many weddings. Anyway, you nailed it. The reception hook-up thing, particularly.

    At both my own weddings, I woulda been better off hooking up with a reception guest than the groom…!

  2. Don’t you mean Maryland is “crab cakes and lacrosse” ? I mean have you seen the Ravens and Terrapins play football the last few years. It’s also STDs, “The Wire”, John Wilkes Booth and more.

  3. I heard Ralph Friedgen was petitioning to rename the MD slogan to “The Hot Dog State” based on his years of consumption as a state icon—

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