Laws are some of this nation’s greatest suggestions

If there is one thing in this great country I have come to appreciate, it is the Constitution and all its added amendments.  This historic document signed by our forefathers is right up there on my “Respect-O-Meter” with the great Code of Virginia. 

Both of these important records contain many volumes of laws, which I must say, are absolutely wonderful suggestions that I have truly taken to heart – even if I’ve broken that heart, and those laws, several times over.

Take one of my favorite state laws, 46.2-821.  Cut past the legalese, and it says that vehicles need to stop or yield to right-of-way on certain roads.  Me though, I enjoy what I call the “rolling stop” or the “screw the light” method of driving. 

When I tried to explain that to the state trooper, he called me wrong, and then I went ahead and broke state law 18.2-51.1.  In other words, I slapped him across the face with the intent to maim, then gave him the bird and called him an asshole.

Needless to say, the so-called “law-enforcement official” wasn’t happy.  But again, that idealized ole’ Book of Laws gave me some awesome advice, however theoretical.

In concept, laws protect people and, in many cases, animals.  But who doesn’t like a good turkey for Thanksgiving?  That’s why I like to go out during the summer and nail me some big game.  Sure, open season for turkey is largely an April-to-May thing, or so the perturbed officer from the Virginia Department of Game and Inland Fisheries informed me, citing law 29.1-552.   

Seeings how I also popped a few of them turkeys with what the state calls an “illegal” “sawed-off shotgun,” I also managed to break 18.2-306 and a few other trivial law-numbers mumbo jumbo code what-have-yous (particularly No. 18.2-174, which got yours truly into a bit of trouble after I tried to impersonate a police officer to get out of the fine).  

As for the Constitution, being federal and all, I take that one much more seriously. One of my favorite recommended decrees is the 13th Amendment, which calls for the end of slavery.  Our treatment of African-Americans a century or so ago was despicable, which is why I use only unpaid labor in the form of Russians, children and the Chinese. 

They appreciate the work, even if it does mean only one meal a day.

Thankfully, though, I’m not the only one who respects our nation’s suggested laws.  Remember that state trooper who didn’t take kindly to my breezing through intersections?  He upheld his Sixth Amendment rights by reading me my Miranda rights, as did the judge when he guaranteed me a speedy public trial for what he referred to as “indefensible offenses” (which kind of rhymes now that I think about it).

The judge also enforced three other laws upon me, as apparently possessing (18.2-374.1:1) and producing (18.2-374.1) child pornography is “frowned upon,” as they say, as is murder (18.2-31), the latter of which I wish someone told me before I decided to wander into that local park last year with an unregistered firearm (18.2-308.6) concealed (18.2-308 ) in my waistband. 

Now, as I sit here in this seven-foot by 10-foot cell, I can only hope the Governor is also a law-abider and uses the powers ‘vested in him under Virginia Code 53.1-229 to call off this here execution, or else I’ll be helping myself to a bit of 53.1-213 and runnin’ like Sam Hill to get outta here.


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