Henrico County has budgeted $275,000 to put global positioning system units in school buses starting this year, a proposal that, if passed, will cause Richmond-area conspiracy theorists to come out of the woodwork with far-off, paranoid reasons why the school district would do such a thing.
“Oh, great idea. As if Big Brother isn’t already watching us close enough,” said Pete Shrew, 67, a Short Pump conspiracy theorist who Virginia Board of Mental Health officials declared in 2002 as “completely off his frigging rocker.”
Shrew, who since hearing today’s proposal cannot mentally come to terms with the fact that the GPS would simply allow county personnel such as first-responders and education officials to instantly know the location of every bus in the district, believes the School Board is “out to get” local children – even though he has none of his own and has never been married, having last talked to a woman in 1984 after living a life of solitude.
“They’ll be monitoring every route so that they can make it look like an ‘accident’ when a tractor-trailer hits. Sex predators, kidnappers, you name it. No child is safe,” Shrew told reporters, leaning forward and lowering his voice to share a secret: “Just like how them Jews made [Hurricane] Isabel blow through town a few years back.”