Report: Mechanicsville Risks Losing Name Unless Town Recruits More Mechanics

A new report out today from the Virginia Department of Naming has warned the Hanover County town of Mechanicsville to import more automobile and machinery specialists or run the risk of losing the right to its identity.

“The economic recession has not fared well in Mechanicsville, which itself has witnessed a drop of nearly 63 percent in auto, construction equipment and other industrial machine operators,” said Paul Bechtel, commissioner of the VDN, which requires the town of 35,000 to contain at least one mechanic for every 10 residents. “If Mechanicsville doesn’t step up their game in the machine worker arena, we will be forced to pull the word from the name entirely.”

Though Mechanicsville faces the possibility of losing its name, Bechtel noted that there are several new naming options for the town as it has seen tremendous job growth in recent years of garbage men, prostitutes, and people named Phil.

Mayor Just Annihilates Entire Thing Of Gummy Bears During Staff Meeting

Richmond Mayor Dwight Jones has apparently torn his way through a full 1 pound bag of gummy bears during a staff meeting, City Hall sources reported today, and it’s not even 11 a.m. yet.

If confirmed, the mayoral gummy bear slaying would be the fifth such candy-related eating incident in the past two weeks by Jones, known for his massive daily sugar intake of nearly 2,500 calories.

“He walks into our morning meeting, opens his briefcase, and just starts going to town on one of those big bags of gummy bears like you get at CVS,” said a staffer who wished to remain anonymous out of fear of the mayor making him eat the orange ones. “He doesn’t really like the orange [bears] so he tries to pawn them off on the rest of us, claiming they’re healthy because they’re made with real fruit juice.”

The gummy bear incident comes on the heels of Jones’ trip to the emergency room last week after a minor throat injury caused by the coarse sugars found on Sour Patch Kids.

Now That I’ve Pleaded Guilty, Does This Mean I Have To Give Up My Ridiculously Extravagant Lifestyle?

By Justin French, former real estate developer and convicted felon

You’ve probably heard by now that I’ve gone ahead and just pled guilty to a pretty slick tax credit scheme that made me millions of dollars in other people’s money during the past few years. I won’t lie: It was a lot of fun while it lasted. I bought a Range Rover or two, hit the Vegas strip more than I care to remember (and I don’t remember much!), and lived in a sweet-ass mansion in Richmond’s near West End.

Just so I’m clear, though, because I’ve been hearing some things in the media: Does pleading guilty really mean I have to relinquish all of my over-the-top, downright exorbitant tastes and indulgences? Because I’m hearing that may be the case, and that would suck something awful.

Man, if I’d known that a plea agreement would still mean I’d be forced to give up everything I own and love and face up to 30 years in federal prison, I may never have admitted to doing all this stuff. Particularly if this means no more eating fresh-made sushi off the body of a naked supermodel in my living room.

I just don’t understand. Here I am, prime candidate for the most self-entitled person in the city, admitting to all the little people in Richmond that I stole somewhere in the neighborhood of $7 million and $20 million from state and federal tax credit programs, and you’re telling me I have to give up my precious art collection?

For real?

To be honest, I don’t really remember the exact amount I stole. It could be more than what those attorney guys said, who knows. And if my actions require federal prison time, well then I beg of you, please let me take the original Lichtenstein with me to hang on my cell wall.

Man, this is going to be rough.

Okay, perhaps I can bargain here a bit with those law types. I deserve a little wiggle room, considering that I’ve just admitted to wire fraud and one count of engaging in unlawful monetary transactions as part of my plea deal with federal prosecutors. Wow, that is a mouthful!

Not unlike the mouthfuls of prime-cut tenderloin steak I would eat up to five times a week at Ruth’s Chris during my illegal development spree’s heyday.

So, all that being said, can I keep the Fabergé egg collection in my basement? The TAG Heuer with the diamond-laced platinum bezel? What about Burl Ives’ 1958 Oscar for best supporting actor that we used as a doorstop for our bedroom, which I purchased for a sweet 400K? My jewel-encrusted ice bucket? The ticket for the first commercial space flight? And I’m not sure how I’ll be able to scale back nearly $150 in daily iTunes purchases either, so we’re going to need to meet in the middle on this one.

What about the house I own in the Bahamas? The yacht I own in the Bahamas? The six pool boys I own in the Bahamas? Can I keep any of it?

No? Nothing? Fine. Take it. Take it all. But just remember: You can take my home, and you can take my other home, and you can take my other home, and you can take my personal belongings, and you can take my pet Bengal tiger Ralph, but you can never take away my overtly pretentious demeanor or the pompous way I carry myself in public. That’s here to stay.

Oh my God, I just realized something: Does federal prison mean I have to give up my iPhone, too?

Reporter Writes Upbeat Story About Flying Squirrels In Attempt To Get Season Tickets

As baseball’s opening day approaches, the Richmond Flying Squirrels – who became heroes to everyone in the metro area last year after bringing back America’s pastime and are generally an amazing, philanthropic organization – are looking forward to another stellar year of just being a great community member.

The Flying Squirrels are looking to beat an already league-leading attendance record in 2010, and I know if I was somehow included in a game’s program I could probably get like 100 to 150 extra people to come, perhaps through a series of blog or Facebook posts or even a few well-timed Tweets. Analysts predict that it wouldn’t have to be like the first game of the season or anything, it could just be a midweek game in the middle of the year when they didn’t already have an exciting giveaway lined up. Team’s choice; I’ll do whatever.

“We’re really looking forward to giving back to the community we call home and continuing to provide the best family-friendly experience and atmosphere for the citizens of Central Virginia,” said Squirrels Chief Executive Manager Chuck Domino, an upstanding guy who if he ever needed anything, anything at all, can just give me a call.

Anything you want, Chuck. Just name it. I’ll make your wildest dreams come true if you first make mine.

For the Squirrels’ opening game, the team is looking for local celebrities to throw out the first pitch or lead the National Anthem. Candidates to do so will undoubtedly include local TV news anchormen, area musicians and radio personalities, but wouldn’t it be great if the team embraced some more unconventional media outlets, such as, say, a moderately popular regional web blog.

“That is really cool that the Squirrels are doing that,” people would probably think, and they’d love the team even more than they already do, which is impossible when you think about it.

“The Squirrels are so amazing and generous to people of every race and creed and sexual orientation,” people would add, lovingly.

Also new and exciting for this season, Domino said, is seriously, I’m not kidding here: if you gave me enough notice ahead of time I could really get in some solid practice for singing the National Anthem. People would really like that and my mom says I have a pretty voice like Josh Groban’s. Perhaps when you call I can give you a quick preview over the phone.

Preseaon predictions indicate that the Squirrels roster, packed with sluggers and golden gloves alike, will be hard-pressed to find any legitimate competition in the Eastern League. Also, if season tickets aren’t in the cards, a free t-shirt or maybe some hot dog and beer vouchers would be just fine. Again, that’s a team call. Just a suggestion.

Domino said everyone should get ready for nine innings of very reasonably priced fun and refreshments, especially June 5-13, June 19-21, July 1-25, and the entire month of August, when my schedule is totally open.

Also, I’d really like to shoot the t-shirt cannon.

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