“The economic recession has not fared well in Mechanicsville, which itself has witnessed a drop of nearly 63 percent in auto, construction equipment and other industrial machine operators,” said Paul Bechtel, commissioner of the VDN, which requires the town of 35,000 to contain at least one mechanic for every 10 residents. “If Mechanicsville doesn’t step up their game in the machine worker arena, we will be forced to pull the word from the name entirely.”

Though Mechanicsville faces the possibility of losing its name, Bechtel noted that there are several new naming options for the town as it has seen tremendous job growth in recent years of garbage men, prostitutes, and people named Phil.

If confirmed, the mayoral gummy bear slaying would be the fifth such candy-related eating incident in the past two weeks by Jones, known for his massive daily sugar intake of nearly 2,500 calories.

“He walks into our morning meeting, opens his briefcase, and just starts going to town on one of those big bags of gummy bears like you get at CVS,” said a staffer who wished to remain anonymous out of fear of the mayor making him eat the orange ones. “He doesn’t really like the orange [bears] so he tries to pawn them off on the rest of us, claiming they’re healthy because they’re made with real fruit juice.”

The gummy bear incident comes on the heels of Jones’ trip to the emergency room last week after a minor throat injury caused by the coarse sugars found on Sour Patch Kids.

You’ve probably heard by now that I’ve gone ahead and just pled guilty to a pretty slick tax credit scheme that made me millions of dollars in other people’s money during the past few years. I won’t lie: It was a lot of fun while it lasted. I bought a Range Rover or two, hit the Vegas strip more than I care to remember (and I don’t remember much!), and lived in a sweet-ass mansion in Richmond’s near West End.

Just so I’m clear, though, because I’ve been hearing some things in the media: Does pleading guilty really mean I have to relinquish all of my over-the-top, downright exorbitant tastes and indulgences? Because I’m hearing that may be the case, and that would suck something awful.

Man, if I’d known that a plea agreement would still mean I’d be forced to give up everything I own and love and face up to 30 years in federal prison, I may never have admitted to doing all this stuff. Particularly if this means no more eating fresh-made sushi off the body of a naked supermodel in my living room.

I just don’t understand. Here I am, prime candidate for the most self-entitled person in the city, admitting to all the little people in Richmond that I stole somewhere in the neighborhood of $7 million and $20 million from state and federal tax credit programs, and you’re telling me I have to give up my precious art collection?

For real?

To be honest, I don’t really remember the exact amount I stole. It could be more than what those attorney guys said, who knows. And if my actions require federal prison time, well then I beg of you, please let me take the original Lichtenstein with me to hang on my cell wall.

Man, this is going to be rough.

Okay, perhaps I can bargain here a bit with those law types. I deserve a little wiggle room, considering that I’ve just admitted to wire fraud and one count of engaging in unlawful monetary transactions as part of my plea deal with federal prosecutors. Wow, that is a mouthful!

Not unlike the mouthfuls of prime-cut tenderloin steak I would eat up to five times a week at Ruth’s Chris during my illegal development spree’s heyday.

So, all that being said, can I keep the Fabergé egg collection in my basement? The TAG Heuer with the diamond-laced platinum bezel? What about Burl Ives’ 1958 Oscar for best supporting actor that we used as a doorstop for our bedroom, which I purchased for a sweet 400K? My jewel-encrusted ice bucket? The ticket for the first commercial space flight? And I’m not sure how I’ll be able to scale back nearly $150 in daily iTunes purchases either, so we’re going to need to meet in the middle on this one.

What about the house I own in the Bahamas? The yacht I own in the Bahamas? The six pool boys I own in the Bahamas? Can I keep any of it?

No? Nothing? Fine. Take it. Take it all. But just remember: You can take my home, and you can take my other home, and you can take my other home, and you can take my personal belongings, and you can take my pet Bengal tiger Ralph, but you can never take away my overtly pretentious demeanor or the pompous way I carry myself in public. That’s here to stay.

Oh my God, I just realized something: Does federal prison mean I have to give up my iPhone, too?

The Flying Squirrels are looking to beat an already league-leading attendance record in 2010, and I know if I was somehow included in a game’s program I could probably get like 100 to 150 extra people to come, perhaps through a series of blog or Facebook posts or even a few well-timed Tweets. Analysts predict that it wouldn’t have to be like the first game of the season or anything, it could just be a midweek game in the middle of the year when they didn’t already have an exciting giveaway lined up. Team’s choice; I’ll do whatever.

“We’re really looking forward to giving back to the community we call home and continuing to provide the best family-friendly experience and atmosphere for the citizens of Central Virginia,” said Squirrels Chief Executive Manager Chuck Domino, an upstanding guy who if he ever needed anything, anything at all, can just give me a call.

Anything you want, Chuck. Just name it. I’ll make your wildest dreams come true if you first make mine.

For the Squirrels’ opening game, the team is looking for local celebrities to throw out the first pitch or lead the National Anthem. Candidates to do so will undoubtedly include local TV news anchormen, area musicians and radio personalities, but wouldn’t it be great if the team embraced some more unconventional media outlets, such as, say, a moderately popular regional web blog.

“That is really cool that the Squirrels are doing that,” people would probably think, and they’d love the team even more than they already do, which is impossible when you think about it.

“The Squirrels are so amazing and generous to people of every race and creed and sexual orientation,” people would add, lovingly.

Also new and exciting for this season, Domino said, is seriously, I’m not kidding here: if you gave me enough notice ahead of time I could really get in some solid practice for singing the National Anthem. People would really like that and my mom says I have a pretty voice like Josh Groban’s. Perhaps when you call I can give you a quick preview over the phone.

Preseaon predictions indicate that the Squirrels roster, packed with sluggers and golden gloves alike, will be hard-pressed to find any legitimate competition in the Eastern League. Also, if season tickets aren’t in the cards, a free t-shirt or maybe some hot dog and beer vouchers would be just fine. Again, that’s a team call. Just a suggestion.

Domino said everyone should get ready for nine innings of very reasonably priced fun and refreshments, especially June 5-13, June 19-21, July 1-25, and the entire month of August, when my schedule is totally open.

Also, I’d really like to shoot the t-shirt cannon.

“If you have been to Hopewell you may have noticed that horrible smell lingering in the air, as it has for years, and quite honestly it’s long past time that we do something about it,” said Ingram, holding up a 27-ounce bottle of the odor eliminator made popular in homes and college dormitories. “This here is the exact same harmless, non-toxic product that we want to dump onto Hopewell. The only difference is that’d we’d dump about 11 million bottles onto it.”

The “Febreze Drop,” as Ingram calls it, faces particular pressure in the Senate, where Republicans are calling for the original-scent Febreze to be replaced with a newer scent of the fabric refresher that includes a sparkling effervescent freshness of citrus infused with kiwi. While the citrus Febreze will tack an additional $200,000 onto the $1.2 million tab and last up to four months longer than the original scent, Democrats say they plan to stick to the original Febreze to keep the total price tag under $1.2 million.

If House Bill 683 is approved, the Febreze would be dropped onto Hopewell out of a Basler BT-67 airplane in late July. If the measure fails, the General Assembly has introduced H.B. 684, which gives the state the authority to use bleach instead.

“As populations shift over time, it’s important to redraw district lines to ensure that everyone has, I don’t know, access to good schools? Live near people of a different race? No idea,” said First District City Councilman Bruce W. Tyler, noting that he hoped redistricting means he’ll live closer to a Five Guys hamburger restaurant. “I hope I get to switch from the first to the eighth district, as eight is my lucky number.”

“High school and college lacrosse number,” he added.

Every 10 years, the nation undergoes a Census to gather statistical information about neighborhoods and population and, like, how many black people and Hispanics there are, and then the city uses that information to redistrict the lines on something. Counties or city lines, maybe? Will the Fan still be the Fan? Hey, does this mean we’re all going have to move? Like if you live in the second district and it’s changed to the third, do you have to move to the new second?

“So do I need to do anything, or is this one of those things that other people will take care of for me?” said Fan Resident Lauren Brown. “As long as redistricting has nothing to do with how my taxes are invested, where I vote, or what types of city services I have access to, then I don’t really care.”

After two days of making speeches and introducing transportation plans the General Assembly, Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell told reporters today that he was hoping 2011 would be the year that he suddenly finds himself at the controls of a Harrier jet, defending the city against terrorists from above.

The Harrier, informally referred to as the jump jet, is a military aircraft capable of vertical takeoffs and landings and is frequently featured in action films and daydreams of the state’s 71st governor.

“Signing bills into law and dealing with financial stuff is fine and all, but after a year of being governor I was kind of hoping for a little more action, like real action, by now,” said McDonnell, a former Army medical supply officer who has been chomping at the bit to take a Harrier for a cruise over the state capital, maybe even pop off a few hellfires into some sheep. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to fight to make sure parts of Virginia get to keep a percentage of the discretionary sales tax generated to fund their own road projects, but seriously, if a group of bad guys ever want to attack us, I’m ready.”

McDonnell noted that if a Harrier was unavailable, he would happily substitute it for an M1 Abrams tank or one of those mech things from Alien.

“We thought about switching from Can Can to Could Could – you know, so that we wouldn’t be overpromising anything – but realized that it would just be cheaper to paint over the sign and scribble out the menus,” said Chris Ripp, proprietor and executive chef of what is now known as Can Brasserie. “But we’ve got a little more room to move now that we’ve freed up some space, and we are still the same restaurant that Richmonders have come to know for fine food and drinks, exceptional service and a great atmosphere – now just with a little less name in the title.”

The move comes on the heels of other cost-cutting measures at Can, including the removal of the 3120 W. Cary St. restaurant’s windows, roof, and rear legs on each chair.

At its regular meeting last night, Richmond City Council members unanimously approved a proposal to spend $84 for “one of the best Groupon spa deals” that has ever come across the leaders’ inboxes.

The deal, which includes a manicure finished with a nail bed coating of a mirror-like polish known as Shellac, was originally valued $183. After receiving the email at 5:28 a.m., the city hired an outside consultant to analyze the Groupon and its benefits for the city. The study concluded that the purchase was a “win-win for all” but was completed hastily because of the deal’s 24-hour-only availability, council members said.

“In the end this was just too good an arrangement for us to pass up,” said newly re-elected City Councilwoman Kathy C. Graziano, noting that she was looking forward to having the rough corners of her nails on both her feet and hands smoothed over by a “qualified extremity expert,” as stated in the Groupon email.

“I think the email also said that the pedicure and manicure also includes a deep tissue massage,” added Graziano, 53. ”I’m not sure though. I didn’t really read the whole thing.”

Even some of the most outspoken city residents were supportive of the Groupon deal. Silver Persinger, who attends most City Council meetings, said he himself would go this weekend for a spa treatment and, to quote the Groupon email, a “deep tissue massage to just melt away the stress of long workweeks and impossible calculus equations with targeted pressure on muscle groups, while the powerful exfoliation of a surface-peeling facial can minimize pores and increase smoothness to create friction-free travels for errant raindrops and tears of joy.”

“Around 2:15 p.m. last Thursday at Checkpoint B, our officers detained a young man who was absent of his pants and shirt in a public place, who was apparently opposed to our screening procedures but was nonetheless acting in an inappropriate manner,” said RIC police chief Spencer Hurt, holding up a police photo of a shirtless Aaron Tobey. “But just look at the way his upper body comes down into that classic V-shape. This kid is a modern day Adonis.”

Police said that Tobey – who the rather portly Hurt called “the complete package” – stripped down to his running shorts after refusing to walk through the airport’s full-body scanners. Despite the shorts, Hurt noted that the young man probably does more than just go on jogs. Likely a lot of weight lifting going on there, and I might even say some swimming or pole vaulting, if you asked me.

The photo released by police shows the upper torso of the Charlottesville resident, who police believe probably works out five to six times a week and actively monitors his caloric consumption. On the University of Cincinnati student’s upper body, which is hairless, are the words of the Fourth Amendment, which protects Americans from unreasonable search and seizure no matter what shape they are in – though it just so happens this particular American happens to be fairly jacked.

“He’s even got those cool muscle lines on his lower abs, which I could never figure out how to get for myself,” Hurt said, pointing out his belly.

Tobey will be arraigned in Henrico General District Court on Monday, unfortunately probably with a shirt on.

“In early December I told my staff and those close to me that I would give up going to Arby’s this year and fight back against my lifelong battle with sliced roast beef,” Jones said. “But the truth of the matter is that, early yesterday, I gave in to my cravings for a hot sandwich smothered in those zesty barbecue and horseradish sauces, along with a sweet tea and a side of large curly fries. The desire was just too overwhelming.”

Jones, who will turn 63 next month, entered the Broad Street Arby’s at approximately 1:30 p.m. on Sunday, waited in line for five minutes, and placed his order with Arby’s associate Brandon Meehan. The total cost came to $9.35, which was paid for out-of-pocket by the former member of the Virginia House of Delegates.

Political analysts speculated that – while it may take several weeks – Jones will be able to recover from his surprise roast beefing, although the incident may have sent the wrong message to those who have suffered from similar fast-food related addictions.

“When young men and women who have been battling their own demons for Arby’s roast beef see that a person in such a leadership position has so easily given up, it can be a setback for them,” said Paul Goldman, a longtime state political scientist. “Same goes for other items on the Arby’s menu, like my favorite, the Jamocha shake.”

“In fact, I think I want to go get one now,” Goldman added.

The mayor reassured citizens that he remains committed to his second-biggest resolution of eating more brownies in 2011, and third-biggest resolution of improving the city as a whole.

“No, Justin is of no relation and is not my son or nephew. It’s just like, ‘Okay, our last names are spelled the same and our first names both begin with a J, I get it,’ move on,” said Bieber, who noted that if his name was Joel Pitt people likely would not ask whether he was related to Brad Pitt, and also have you ever been involved in a crash with a tractor trailer truck? “Or have you ever been hurt while riding a bike or walking? Are you experiencing headaches or memory loss after a severe crash? Did a drunk driver hit you?”

Added Bieber: “Justin has a lot of talent for his age and I wish him the best, sure, but when injuries occur due to someone else’s negligence, the law may recognize your valid claim. Damages that you may recover include but are not limited to: loss of earning capacity, pain and suffering, medical expenses, or personal injury. Leave it to me: Leave it to Bieber to make sure your rights are protected.”

Bieber, the attorney, noted that while he isn’t really a fan of Bieber the popstar’s music, it is nonetheless extremely important to make sure that your rights are protected by a Virginia personal injury lawyer, as the negligent party is protected by their insurance company’s attorneys. The injury attorneys at The Joel Bieber Firm will fight hard to make sure you are compensated fairly for your losses, so call 1-800-451-6393 for more information, “again, that’s 1-800-451-6393,” he said.

As the nation prepares for this Friday’s release of Tron: Legacy, many Richmond residents are wondering if such a scenario – the story of a man who is pulled into a video game and battles a ruthless villain – could happen here.

Experts say that such an incident, however plausible, is highly unlikely to ever take place within the metro area.

“We have seen instances in many of the larger U.S. cities – New York, Chicago, L.A. – of people being transported into a digital world in order to rescue their father from bad guys,” said Daniel Fawbush, a Virginia Commonwealth University sociology professor who has for years researched the digitization of real objects such as actor Jeff Bridges. “Richmond really lacks many of the technological capabilities that are required for people to be pulled into an arcade game, explore the neon realm of an advanced cyber-universe, or do those cool Light Cycle battles.”

“And it could be years before Richmond is ever capable of inserting Jeff Bridges into a video game,” he added.

The VCU professor did note that despite a low possibility of anyone in the metro area ever participating in such high-tech, high-stakes gladiatorial games, there remains a high chance that local men will view online photographs of Tron’s Olivia Wilde in her black leather outfit.

When the city came to us last year with their desire to replace the Huguenot Bridge, I jumped on the opportunity to rebuild one of Richmond’s most iconic thoroughfares. The bridge in its current form is old and outdated and, quite frankly, unsafe. So it was an honor that the city selected our company to head up this important project.

I’ll admit, though, that we have no fucking idea how this whole thing is going to work. We’re really supposed to build a second bridge and tear down the current one, yet keep traffic flowing the whole time over the river? And keep this up for nearly three years? Are we out of our goddamn minds?

The plan, as I understand it, is to replace the entirety of the 2,900-foot bridge with a new structure that will have one 12-foot lane and one 10-foot shoulder in each direction. There will also be a sidewalk on each side for pedestrians. The project is expected to be completed in October 2013.

At least, that’s what I read in the newspaper. Who knows if the media got it right.

I’ll be honest: We’re winging this thing, taking it one day at a time. So far we’ve managed to close the on- and off-ramps on Riverside Drive and they will stay shut down to traffic until June 2012, which I can’t even believe the city let us do. Jesus Christ, that is bound to piss some people off!

Holy shit, can you believe we’re actually going through with this? Who’s in charge here?

Oh right, I am!

What I can say in all certainty is that on paper, this plan works. The design elements, the construction blueprints, the transportation aspects, the $51 million cost figure – it’s all fine and dandy.

Logistically, however, this thing is a total mindfuck. And take it from me, because I studied civil engineering for like two years and I still don’t understand how bridges work. For instance, how do they just float there like that without sinking?

Oh, we should put some of those tall tower things on the new bridge like there are on the Golden Gate. Hold on, let me jot that down in my notepad.

I’ve been told from someone on our team (I think it was Jim, one of the supes) that the plan involves tearing down the old bridge after the new one is built, should we ever get to that point. Problem is – and I’ll try to be as clear as I can here – I haven’t a fucking clue how to tear down something like that. I reckon we just blow it up, but I’m unsure of how to do that without killing anyone.

I’d imagine when we do blow up the bridge we’ll just have to make sure everyone is wearing hard hats and standing at least 10 feet away from the structure when we send in the bomber jets.

Oh, and remind me to close the bridge to cars on the day we destroy it. Hoo boy, the media would be all over us if we forgot to do that. Can you imagine?

We’ll figure out how to get this done, I’m confident of that much. Even if it means working late nights to learn a bit more about bridge reconstruction. But definitely not the weekends, because that’s my time with the kids. In the meantime, I’m off to Barnes & Noble to buy one of those Dummies books.

“This is something else, I tell you what,” said Wil Baumann, noting that the dozen or so Jews in attendance also seemed to think somewhat highly of the occasion, in which a single candle was lit on the top of the nine-branched candelabrum. “And the menorah is pretty big, so that’s neat.”

Added the 35-year-old: “Though I’ve seen bigger ones, sure.”

Rabbi Peter Eidelberg also discussed the meaning of Hanukkah to those in attendance and encouraged everyone to “eat up” the plate of potato latkes he’d picked up earlier from Costco.

Virginia Commonwealth University President Michael Rao, who is undergoing a performance review by an outside consultant, told reporters today that he totally just realized that his last name written backwards spells “oar,” and isn’t that the craziest thing.

Recently given a vote of confidence by VCU leaders after sparking controversy for an unusually tight confidentiality agreement, Rao said he was dumbfounded to learn that, by simply flipping the positions of the letters “R” and “O” in his last name, it became a completely new term with a meaning of, according to Webster’s Dictionary, “a lever that is used to propel and steer a boat.”

“It was weird, I was sitting there in a meeting scribbling my name on some notebook paper and started playing around with the letters and there it was: O-A-R,” said Rao, who is not a boater but remembers perhaps using an oar in a canoe a long time ago. “Not many people can say that their last name backwards spells something, much less something that is a boating tool.”

According to sources, the VCU president remains unaware that anagrams of his full name include “racial home,” “roach email,” and “ham calorie.”

As Richmond moves into the final month of 2010, I wanted to take a moment to wish you and your family a happy and healthy holiday. I love this time of year: the weather gets cooler, the wool sweaters come out from the attic, and our hard work begins to wind down so that we can enjoy the holiday season.

And if your holiday is anything like mine, well then holy turkey tetrazzini, you will spend the next three to four weeks finishing off leftovers from Thanksgiving.

Quite honestly, I don’t know how I’m going to eat everything. But I know I will. I always do. Take the squash, for example. I have three Rubbermaids filled with various squash variations: One is your basic creamed butternut recipe. There’s a country-fried butternut (made with cornmeal) from my friend Jeannie, and then there’s another tub of squash steamed with white onions and sprinkled with fresh garlic.

I cuddled up on the sofa last night, watched It’s A Wonderful Life and polished off the last of it. What a way to kick off the Christmas season (or whatever your holiday of choice may be).

But look at me getting ahead of myself, I’m already on the topic of squash. It’s time to talk turkey: Specifically, what am I going to do with 11 leftover pounds of it?

During the past three days I’ve consulted with some of the nation’s foremost experts on eating and developed a solid outline for putting away the rest of the meat. I can say with confidence to the citizens of Richmond that this bird will not go to waste. I have three main keys to success:

1. White meat is set aside for sandwiches. Approximately eight of the 11 pounds of turkey is white, and these slices will be directed toward lunches for the next few weeks up until Christmas. Admittedly, there may be days where I decide to go out for a burrito or to Arby’s in lieu of a turkey sandwich, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

2. Dark meat for snacks. Mostly eating out of the bag and dipping into chilled giblet gravy after I get home from work and need an app before I hit the gym.

3. A mix of white and dark turkey will be set aside for casseroles, particularly the tetrazzini I spoke of earlier. I like to make my tetrazzini with spinach mashed potatoes, which, thankfully, I still have an entire pot leftover in the fridge. I’ll probably mix in some of that green bean casserole, too. I’ve never been a huge fan of green bean casserole (not to mention lima beans or creamed onions), but it’s pretty good when you mix in some meat.

All of those recipes, of course, will be mashed together with cranberry sauce, like some sort of Lady Gaga/Akon remix that includes turkey. You get what I’m saying. And when I talk about cranberry sauce, I’m talking about the canned stuff. Never been a fan of the homemade version, though Jeannie’s isn’t bad. Tastes like candy.

Some of the turkey will probably be put on all the extra dinner rolls (at least, the ones I don’t turn into my famous bread pudding) for sandwiches or a quick breakfast. When it comes to rolls, most people don’t mind just plopping a dollop of butter on the inside and eating them that way. However, I think the secret to a great roll is to coat it in hot melted butter, particulary after the butter has been used as a dip for raw oysters.

Now, on to dessert.

This year will be the last time I bake 17 pies for a group of only five people. I should have known that not everyone would eat the mincemeat pie (my third favorite), but I’m glad five of the 17 were pecan. Thankfully, I still have two leftover to make a pecan pie sandwich (Cool Whip acting as the “sandwich meat”).

Yes, it’s going to be a great four weeks of eating at the Jones home. With a little luck, I’ll be able to extend out these leftovers right up until Christmas. Then it’s time to dig in until the next big holiday, when we gather round the table with family and friends and feast on groundhog.

“You know, this is one of those special moments I look forward to every year,” said Mayor Dwight Jones, sharpening the paring knife that will be used to slit the back of the turkey’s throat as it is held firmly to the ground by four members of his security team. “To stand there and watch the blood stream from the neck as the animal’s heart slowly stops beating…it always reminds me of why I ran for office.”

“This is what I am thankful for,” the mayor added.

Gus the Thanksgiving Turkey will be slain today at 3 p.m. Citizens are encouraged to watch a live streaming webcast of the ritualistic slaying on the city’s website, www.RichmondGov.com. This is the first time in 22 years that a knife will be used instead of the previous mayoral turkey-killing tool, a handgun held sideways like gang members do in movies.

A grand jury on Monday indicted Byram’s owner Konstantinos Nikiforos, 56, and accused him of legally operating something called the Byram’s Lobster House in the 3200 block of West Broad Street. Authorities accuse Nikiforos of serving a variety of traditional foods to patrons who were willing to eat at a place with “Byram” in its name, the 22-page indictment read, adding that this same place also serves lobsters.

“Our yearlong investigation revealed an astonishing amount of evidence that Mr. Nikiforos has, for nearly 20 years, been operating something with the words ‘Byram’s’ and ‘Lobster’ in it, choosing to put both terms side by side,” U.S. attorney John Fischer said during a press conference at the federal courthouse downtown. “How anyone could so egregiously call a place Byram’s Lobster House and get away with it for so long is one of the more sinister acts that I have ever witnessed in the food services industry.”

Fischer said he has not been so disturbed by a restaurant’s name since going to Verbena or Konsta’s or Carlton’s or whatever that place is called now.

The announcement sheds new light on the specific reasons behind the speed limit increase as well as the driving habits of Maureen McDonnell, who recently announced a campaign aimed at helping families of deployed members of the Armed Forces and is known in her street-racing team as “Mad Mo.”

“From my first day on the job, Maureen was on my back to raise speed limits wherever I could,” Gov. McDonnell said, adding that the First Lady has long been a proponent of the prevention of childhood obesity, as well as drifting automobiles. “Honestly, she was pushing for limits in the triple digits, but we had to be reasonable.”

The bill, signed by the Governor in March, changes the speed limit from 65 to 70 mph on 680 miles of Virginia highways. The new speed limit was passed after a traffic engineering study was completed to ensure safety and feasibility and that McDonnell’s wife would indeed have enough faster straightaways to open up her custom 1998 Honda Civic on the interstates.

Purchased late last year, the two-door coupe was specially made for the First Lady and fitted with nearly $4,000 worth of ground effects, a new intake manifold, a high rear spoiler, a Ti-C Cat-Back Exhaust System, an adjustable fuel pressure regulator, a set of 19-inch chrome rims, and TVs in the headrests for the children.

“The plan to increase speed on state highways will shorten commute times and allow traffic to move at a more consistent speed,” said Gov. McDonnell, standing alongside his wife as she revved the engine on her brand new 998cc Ninja ZX-10R motorcycle. “And my wife is so pumped about it that she went out and bought some new [Bridgestone] Battlaxes for her Kawasaki, so she’s ready to tear up some asphalt.”

Gov. McDonnell also purchased a high-end stereo system for his wife’s car, so that she can play her favorite songs from Limp Bizkit, Saliva and all 17 tracks on the 2 Fast 2 Furious soundtrack.