New Mayor Diagnosed With Benjamin Button Syndrome

Richmond Mayor Dwight C. Jones is suffering from the highly-rare Benjamin Button Syndrome, a disease that makes him age in reverse and appear as though he is a 60-year-old man, when, in fact, he is only 12, doctors said this morning.

“Mr. Jones shows all the outward, physical signs of a man well into old age, but as the years go on, people are going to see him slimming down, jogging a bit faster, and one day becoming an incredibly handsome young movie star who attracts Hollywood’s leading and most attractive women,” said Virginia Commonwealth University’s Alan Rotikowski, a leading children’s physician who has been reviewing the mayor’s case for several weeks.  “Women will love him, and men will want to be him, but, alas, he will one day die as a baby with an old man’s dementia-ridden mind.” 

Jones is the only known person in the world afflicted with BBS, Rotikowski said.  

City officials expressed shock and confusion as to how they would cope with a leader who ages backwards, discussing plans for dealing with the difficulties that come with a 64-year-old teenager in less than four years.

“I don’t…I don’t…I just don’t understand,” said City Council President Kathy C. Graziano, who, like an overwhelming majority of the Earth’s 6.7 billion inhabitants, grows older as she ages.  “This certainly calls into question the mayor’s ability to lead this city to new heights and improve our schools, when he himself should only be in the seventh grade.”

Jones said he feels “pretty good” despite his rare diagnosis, though the findings shed new light on his favorite activities, such as playing with Lego blocks and climbing on the roof when mom isn’t looking, along with the recent discovery of hair under his armpits.